Veteran Chat Project
Veteran Chat Project
Finding Resilience in the Depths of Despair
What does it take to rise above adverse circumstances and come out stronger on the other side? Our guest, Pam Barragan, an inspiring member of the 2200TAPS podcast and organization, has certainly got some answers for you. Born and raised in Corpus Christi, Texas, Pam's journey from joining the Coast Guard and being stationed in Maine, to her present position as a mental health advocate and podcaster, is a testament to her resilience and relentless spirit.
In her candid conversation with us, Pam leaves no stone unturned. Recounting her experiences with harsh winters, boating safety, and being part of something bigger than herself, she strikes a chord. But it's her openness about her mental health struggles and her brush with suicidal thoughts that truly highlights her strength. She underlines the importance of being proactive, advocating for oneself, and having a robust support system, whilst navigating the often frustrating bureaucracy of Veterans Affairs to access the care she needs.
Venturing beyond her military experiences, we also explore Pam's foray into podcasting, music, and mental health advocacy. She paints a vivid picture of her journey from strumming her first guitar to finding her voice through podcasting, illustrating the transformative power of self-expression and passion. Reflecting on her faith, unconditional love, and the healing power of laughter, music, and human connection, Pam leaves us with a powerful reminder of the importance of self-love and resilience. Join us as we delve into her inspiring journey, and hopefully, find your own sparks of resilience and growth.
Okay, all right, everybody, this episode is brought to you by Anheuser Designs. We just got some patches from them, so now we have gotten patches and t-shirts for all your special needs of your small business or anything like that. Make sure you get those guys a shout out, trevor Murphy at Anheuser Designs, they will take care of you. And with that, i believe, hurt at the boy, yo, hurt at the boy. Hey everybody, what's up? Kyle and KZ.
Speaker 2:Yeah, more people get their voice out there than I think they'll realize. Like we're all the same really Join the all-army KZ.
Speaker 1:Designs. let's do it. Took the bait, so we re- Chetan Chetan, chetan, chetan, chetan, chet Project. The Buster, yo Words encouraged to not be okay all the time. Hey, what's up everybody, it's Kyle.
Speaker 2:And KZ.
Speaker 1:And why don't you go ahead and bring Sam brother Got the vote.
Speaker 2:Dang it, I'm scared. It's been a. What was the last time we were on live Two couple days ago?
Speaker 1:Yes, Sunday.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sunday. So since Sunday, Pam, who's our guest today? we've actually. We spoke to her, our I spoke to her, spoke, i messaged her a couple weeks ago I think a month ago, i think we had to reschedule because Memorial Day and then we had to reschedule again because of work, but we finally got her here. Pam. I don't want to butcher your last name, so I'll say I'll have you say it, but welcome to the show. Happy to have you on. She's part of the 2,200 Tabs podcast and organization. We'll talk about that here in a minute during the show. Awesome stuff that they're doing. The one thing I saw when I was looking over y'all's website and podcast is the fact that, like you, guys aren't afraid to have those tough conversations which is what we're all about, because having those tough conversations help break down that mold or that barrier of the stigma against the negative stigma, against mental health and suicide prevention.
Speaker 2:So I applaud you guys for what you're doing, For what you're doing. Welcome to the show. How you doing.
Speaker 3:Thank you, man, thanks for having me. I'm having a good, good day overall. I think, before we hit record, i'm like man, it's been quite a day, texas.
Speaker 2:Heat is getting stupid.
Speaker 3:There's like 110 heat index today and it's not even the hottest part yet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i'll tell them, just getting cooking.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're definitely sauteing over here, but yeah, so my name is Pam, last name is Barragan, or Barragan, how do you want to say it?
Speaker 2:Barragan, barragan.
Speaker 3:I don't care if you butcher it. It should be my last name much longer, hopefully.
Speaker 2:There you go.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I get married. Just going back to my birth name, Yeah, yeah, Yeah, so it's good man. It's just like you said, having these hard conversations is we want to make it normal. Yes, So there's a lot of really cool backstory on how this whole mission started and stuff. But yeah, thank you both for having me.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:Really cool what you guys are doing.
Speaker 2:Thanks, Yeah, and I definitely want to get into that. How it started, That's? I mean, I think the origin stories are very important, especially when it comes to stuff like this. Are you a Texas native?
Speaker 3:I am. I was born and raised in Corpus Christi. Oh nice, yeah, yeah, i was a little bit of a miscellaneous. I was born and raised there And then when I was 18, i got a scholarship to play softball for either Texas or UL Lafayette, louisiana. And I had to go to UL Lafayette, did it a couple of years there and I failed out of college because I hated school, so found myself back in Texas And I was like I need to be part of something bigger.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And being in Corpus Christi, the Coast Guard helicopters flying around and stuff, i'm like I want to do that. And I went into recruiters office and pretty much enlisted on the spot Nice And my first from South Texas. You were gonna keep Mania, jersey for basic And then my first duty station was in Maine. So I went from South Texas to like damn near Canada And I think I cried when they gave me my orders Oh no, I would do it. I'm like this is crazy. So yeah, that's how that kind of started.
Speaker 1:How'd you like it in Maine? Like after thinking, like oh shit, and then getting there, how'd you enjoy it? I did have a buddy that recently moved from there And it's all he talks about. He's like oh Maine, this Maine that specifically like the seafood.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, we had. so our station was next door to like Bill's Lobster, which ships like nationwide, and we had a cook that didn't know. he didn't even know how to cook rice, so we literally would walk across go get a lobster.
Speaker 3:at the time was like eight bucks a pound And the lobster man yeah, they would offload their catch, you know, from their boats And they hated us until they needed us. I'll just say that. And we got in some pretty dicey situations, a couple where I probably shouldn't even be here talking to you all but we're here And but outdoors, yeah, like just outdoory, like hiking and all it's beautiful, gorgeous, gorgeous. But the winners are brutal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, i know something about them brutal winners. Now I can now find them. I'm gonna be like I know something about brutal winners. I think I froze salad last year.
Speaker 2:I don't know about you, kyle, but like when we that first appointment with 30 star, you were an hour with the. We came back in. We flew into Maine. That was the first spot we landed in.
Speaker 3:And damn it was.
Speaker 2:January it was so cold But we were like we need to go, dude, have a smoke break which is out there like four feet of snow. It's just like I don't care. I've never come back to the state, i think that's when they were.
Speaker 1:It was at Bangor, i believe. Or no, I want to say that's where we flew in. But yeah they had like the, they had the whole airport, like everyone was there. Well, like they had like a welcoming party that was always there welcoming people on from those connecting flights would either be in what was the other one, canada? right, it was either in Canada or Maine when you were going to Iraq or Kuwait, bangor. Yeah, he was right, i was right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, we had a fly in. we flew in from. I flew in to Boston and then we took like a jumper to Bangor and then from Bangor I drove to South West Harbor, which is in the Caden Ashfield Park And what they don't tell you in the Coast Guard more specifically, because that's what I was in you're asked to do cold water survival training. So when it's cold you're getting in there and you are doing your cold water survival swim 10 minutes, swim, try to water all that stuff. But then if they get a little, you know, spicy, they put somebody in a stokes litter, they put him in the water and now you have to figure you got to go be rescue Randy for the most part and figure that shit out. So yeah, when I say it's cold, it's a little cold, i believe it. So, but yeah, it's beautiful, it's gorgeous.
Speaker 2:Why did you, other than the fact that they were, you know, visually accessible? why the Coast Guard?
Speaker 3:I wanted to help people and I grew up on the ocean, on the beach. I loved the water. I'm such a water baby And I just I loved it. Man, like I wanted to be a rescue swimmer, and those before I even knew what the hell they did and realized you got to be a little crazy to do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, not so well.
Speaker 3:And that's really why I joined. And then I wanted to fly, and it just. I ended up doing 11 years and I acted two reserves, and seven of which was search and rescue.
Speaker 2:Holy cow.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i did it mostly in the boats on the small boat side.
Speaker 2:There's? I gotta ask this question because there's a lot of military movies and, like everyone you know, most of everyone's like that's inaccurate. I, you know, and some of them I can say that you know. Yeah, it is inaccurate, but I can't speak on other branches.
Speaker 1:What's that movie, The Guardian? I was gonna say, please ask about The Guardian.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how accurate is that? Should I still like it or not?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I actually like it. I'm the wrong person to ask.
Speaker 1:I mean like it's a good story, but I can't imagine that it's like 100% accurate, like no movie's gonna be 100% accurate because everyone's got their own story. but I can imagine like you'd be. Like man fuck that movie.
Speaker 3:So it's funny, like when they were filming that movie I was actually at Air Station Cape Cod because I was trying to go aviation and it came out and there's some of the guys are like man, that's kind of a cool movie and the swimmers are like that, you know. But for the most part they actually had real rescue swimmers showing the guys what to do, how to do it and we're actually in the movie. The plot, i mean it's a little excessive.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's a Costner movie. Yeah, i mean he can't do casual and he gets a little He costn't the fuck out of it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i mean he basically offed himself to save Jake's life. Sorry if you haven't seen the movie. I kind of just gave away the ending.
Speaker 1:Sorry, sorry, sorry. I haven't told you a time. I told you a time I just came out in 2006.
Speaker 2:I was 19 years behind it.
Speaker 3:No, but I think it depicted a really the aviation side anyways. And airdales always get the freaking glory because I mean they just go out and it's crappy weather, like it's really. That's true, yeah, but man, i was stationed with airdales and they were kind of arrogant. They have their cute little flights. You know they're aviated glasses, and I'm like dude, you're such a douche.
Speaker 1:It's probably like tankers are the rest of the army. We got our straps on our boots Stupid, little boots Stupid boots and you don't have to blouse them and you're always fucking-. Yeah, Yeah, Oh, and we get to carry around a nine millimeter instead of our rifle on boast. you know when we're deployed, people needed us for that.
Speaker 3:There is actually a good movie that I enjoy because it depicted more of the small boat side, and that's called The Finest Hours. It's about a real life, you know, rescue, where the small boats had to go out, and that was really. It was a little excessive, but back in the day they actually did that. Now, not so much because they have a lot of you know. You know you can't go out in certain amount of waves depending on the size of small boat And like there's so many like regulations out because of salty bastards like that who broke their rules that had been getting killed. So thankfully I came in, basically coming through the ranks from those salty guys. So I learned a lot from those guys And on my way out it was more like the kinder gentler. Here's your GMT training sexual.
Speaker 2:I mean, there was some training.
Speaker 3:That needed to be happening because there were some loose cannons. But for this part. it was just getting like the sensitivity was through the roof And when I came through they gave me a toothbrush to go clean a diesel engine. And this really happens. I thought this was like only on, like the match, or some shit. No, I remember just cleaning, freaking. okay, We did it.
Speaker 1:So Here's a good question. They said what's the good Coast Guard friendly bash name like chair force for the Air Force?
Speaker 2:Wasn't it? I've never heard of it like a pun for the Air Force. What were they talking?
Speaker 1:shit about. Yeah, i was gonna say a portal pirate was one that he called him in the bar and that movie that we were just talking about. He's like what the fuck did he call you? He's like they went back to the bar and walked away.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, yeah, Yeah, it was a pun pirate, or you gotta be at least six feet tall to join.
Speaker 3:So if the boat capsizes you can walk back to shore Like, oh, that's stupid shit, that's a good one, you got it.
Speaker 1:You got it.
Speaker 3:Right down.
Speaker 1:That's cool. That's cool though.
Speaker 2:What year did you were talking about the I think we all experienced. I know I did experience the change within the army itself. I'm sure that was in the military as a whole. What year did you get out?
Speaker 3:I enlisted in 03. I got out for good in 2015, january, but I was an inactive Redditor Reserve in 2014. I just had to sit out that last year to finish out my contract.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So 2003,. I mean, i was in basic when the war kicked off in Iraq Shit yeah.
Speaker 3:I remember they took us up to the squad bay. They're like we just went towards, like in March of 03. And I'm like, wow, okay, let's go. It's a little different for us, because unless your ship or your ship is sent overseas, you're not gonna go, unless you ask to go. So it's very different for us. In the Coast Guard, yeah, but we're over there. We actually lost a guy to a suicide bomber on a small boat in 2004 in the Daniel Brookenthal Damn. Yeah, they were doing a boarding. We lost him in another Navy guy And that's when stuff was really popping off. There's like a pocket And I've said it on my podcast from like 2004 to like seven or eight. That little pocket was just stupid for normally.
Speaker 3:Especially you guys overseas, and yeah, so it's a little different.
Speaker 1:That's when I joined and when I went overseas for the first time was 08. So yeah, james Alder is one of the guys we were talking about how we got a. He was on our show earlier and he listens every time but 2003,. So he was actually, wasn't he? you were in basic Alder when 9-11 happened.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he was there.
Speaker 1:Yeah. so like yeah, he's got some deployments under his belt and shit like that too. So I mean like I joined in 08. And just to speak on that kind of change like what year? like is that about the same time? you started kind of seeing that change 2008, 2009-ish, I'd say 2009, 2010. Cause I felt like I was brought up by the old army, but only to live in the new army When Obama took office.
Speaker 3:I'll just say, like that era started a big shift that I started seeing.
Speaker 2:Do you remember in 2010? I don't know if it happened military-wide That's a stupid thing to not know But how we didn't get paid when we were down the down range.
Speaker 1:That was 2000,. That was our second deployment. Yeah, it was like a month and a half. We didn't get paid.
Speaker 3:I think we got paid. I think there was a stir that we weren't gonna get paid, but I think we didn't get paid.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i remember in 2010,. I was like oh, we're really not getting paid.
Speaker 1:Oh, so I don't know what to do. Okay, I got some off today.
Speaker 2:Huh, You gotta go off Right on that. We gotta go on mission like what no?
Speaker 1:13 hour drive today, boys, you know what's crazy.
Speaker 3:I'll share this with you guys because not a lot of people know The third anniversary of 9-11, just because we're kind of talking about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Station New York Coast Guard Station, new York, for about a year prior to that had coasties basically getting sent there for 24-7 patrols in New York City. And then I got sent there for the third anniversary of 9-11 and the RNC with Bush and Kerry And for 24-7, if you're in New York City, like you'll see blue lights all around the water and that was us From the Jersey side to New York side and we actually had intel that we were supposed to get attacked underwater by submarine.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, so they outfitted our small boats with all sorts of crazy shit. I'm this 21, 22 year old kid with a 50 cal on the small boat, michael. This is. This is getting crazy. So all right and between patrols and boardings and star cases and What I? that's when I shut my feelings off Because you just have to like worse, you just have to react at that point.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:You got nothing to think about and I'm like, all right, let's go and And I think that was also the time when they were putting boxes under bridges. Hmm remember all that crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, dude.
Speaker 3:So it I got paranoid, to say the least. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I have very paranoid.
Speaker 3:For like three months I was down there Just at a level 11 like ass pucker It, just you never knew and That was like the beginning. Actually, that's probably like the start of where this whole things like eventually launched 2200 taps.
Speaker 2:Hmm.
Speaker 3:I would say but I remember that one sucked.
Speaker 1:That was hard Yeah it's hard to turn that off too. You know, like that, just that. That you like where I turned out. I just you know. Would you turn it on? you're like I'm in, i'm in, flat out. I'm trained for this mode, which means For me it was when we went to the clearing barrels or not the clearing barrels. So when we started doing that, when we did our test fires, That's when I was that's basically when we did the test fires.
Speaker 1:That, like that test fire was me sending out my mind, like you know, like boom, everything you know and staying here And and, yeah, like it's time to lock in and then do what I'm after that Yeah, like you, just like okay, like So, no doubt Yeah, and you're scanning fucking everything without moving your eyes, like it's one thing that I think I talked about a little bit last week or the last episode is like The peripherals never stop scan, and I mean it can be exhausting to like especially. I'm asking my wife Like did you see this, this and this?
Speaker 2:like no, Who would like? well, i guess me, because I'm fucking nuts, or you know, because I just can't.
Speaker 1:I mean it's it's easier now because it's been so long, but like I mean even there's some things That's one thing for sure that knows. And for me it's like the hands. So for us, like it was always hands, you know, i'm sure the same to you, like if someone's doing something with their hands, you can't see him, it's probably a problem. So it's like I'm always watching people's hands. It's rarely do I make eye contact when we're standing, like you got your hands, you know, but anyways, yeah, it's hard to turn that off.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so to this day I can't go out on a boat and just relax.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Oh no, like I, if there's beer involved, if there's Stupidity involved, i can't allow myself to get on that boat because I will freak out, unless I'm driving right or or I'm with people that know Boating safety or get it. You know, if they're gonna be safe, they're gonna be jerks about it. I just heard so much on the radio. I've seen my own fair share. I've lost people.
Speaker 1:I'm like I'm there's some idiots out there. Come on, there are people don't even take the time to understand that. There's like boating safety courses You can. You can take for free, exactly the coast guard auxiliary.
Speaker 3:If you're 12 years old and up, you can take a boating safety course and play. You can't drive a boat like a car. That's all I'm gonna say.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, you can't.
Speaker 3:No, Somebody falls in the water and you turn that boat the wrong way, you're gonna chop them up with the props. Just take a basic course. You don't have to be, you know, freaking. What's his nuts on pirates and Caribbean? Yeah, and then I understand that there's there's.
Speaker 1:There's rules of the water, Just like there's rules on the road. You know as far as like way, what is it head right away is a huge thing. You've run jet ski and you're seeing like a little boat, like big-ass boat, like get out of the way. That big-ass boat has the right way. Also, like you know, split the lake up a little bit, don't be a dick, yeah. But yeah, that's all things that people understand, because a lot of times people just like we're going the boat, we're getting fucked up.
Speaker 2:It's just like.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna pass dude, we got sucked up under a car carrier. He's our 41 foot coast guard boat. We we're getting our boarding team off 20 miles offshore. Next thing I know I'm like seeing the underbelly of this huge ass Ship and I'm like I'm going to die today. Well fuck.
Speaker 3:And I literally I jumped into the pilot house and I just put my head in my hands. I'm like this is it, we're done. And I heard glass shatter. The guys are screaming and thankfully we didn't. We got out of there, but we jacked up our boat pretty good, hey, fuck the boat. Yeah, they got more boats.
Speaker 1:The coast guards got more boats.
Speaker 3:Dude, everybody's got it. Everybody's got those moments really do. Am I gonna be Jesus today? because that really felt like I was about to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you almost start like preparing like well shit as I wasn't ready for this conversation with Jesus, but I guess I got oh god, i got time to get that question, james.
Speaker 3:No, that was actually. No, i take it back. Which we did jam out to that song. I'm on a boat.
Speaker 1:We used to listen to roll out before mission Well, not, we didn't do it by on purpose, but our LT used to put it over the net. He's like all right, everybody, we're rolling out like twin glock old age, it's like oh god damn it roll out. We had a master.
Speaker 3:We had a master chief that love Dominic the donkey. What that Christmas song. If you haven't heard it just No just listen to it. So we was on the ship we were coming in important, just waiting for like a drawbridge to open up our board. Next thing you know is you hear Dominic the docking plane throughout the ship.
Speaker 1:You're just like When you hear the song.
Speaker 3:It'll make more sense. Pretty funny.
Speaker 2:The um. So your last two years of inactive reserve reserve? I assume you went back to Texas.
Speaker 3:No oh yeah, now I was in Chicago. I finished out my reserve time in Chicago.
Speaker 2:Okay, why Chicago?
Speaker 3:I My best friend is in Chicago at the time and I was stationed in Texas finishing out active duty. I'm like you know, let me just do something different. Let's go to Chicago, Yeah, be with her and her family and do something different. And I got I got my orders and then I got reactivated active duty summer 2012 to shaboy in Wisconsin.
Speaker 1:Hmm, boys shaboy again and.
Speaker 3:Yeah, lake Michigan is vicious. I'll just tell you that Worst body water I've ever been on. really, yeah, i went, yeah, i went airborne and later on my face one day. Oh we should jacked up my neck, pretty good. Yeah, like Michigan's. It's like a washer machine, it's. There's no rhyme or reason, it's just sloppy. No matter which way you look at it, i've heard that, yeah, but what's like Michigan?
Speaker 3:Any of those great likes, I'm sure, but that one for sure. So I did two years reserve there, finished out that one year inactivated reserves are just kind of right in the pine really. Until my Contractors done. And that was the beginning of almost the end for me was that pocket Which again leads up to this whole mission.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's talk about that was. What was that? What was that time, that period, like that transition period, or just When you got into that headspace?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I was in Chicago at the time, got reactivated summer of 2012 and I did search and rescue out of Sheboygan, wisconsin, and I had a decent you know other than like toes here and there, just random, just simple. We call them star cases to search and rescue, right. So if I say sorry. And then one day I was on the radio crew and we got piped down to the watchroom And we had to get the hell like we had to go, as a bright, sunny day but it was sloppy Like Michigan. There's break walls, water crashing over break walls.
Speaker 3:She saw two teenagers get swept in Holy yeah and yeah, and they were struggling, thankfully We were right there. So a couple of new yards out. We took the boat out, we saved them, came back and even an hour later We get a call in the watchroom sitting in there and the guy gets, gets a call. He said hey, there's people in the water. It was a what do you say? people in the water in a stroller. Oh, Shit that's what.
Speaker 3:That's all we heard. So we high-tailed it back to the boat to get on scene. We get on scene. It wasn't a stroller, it's a woman in a wheelchair on the break wall, a woman hanging off the ladder off the break wall. So when you fall in, you climb up.
Speaker 3:Yeah and They're screaming bloody murder. I could talk about this stuff now. I did between therapy and trying to just work through it. Of course, and long story short, this happened on a Friday afternoon and I'm gonna skip a lot of stuff, but if people want to know the details, episode three of the podcast, so the twenty-two and a half podcast, it's all in there. It's very explicit, very detailed. It's all in there.
Speaker 1:Long story short, share the link with that episode. When we share this episode to cool, yeah, and it's my story.
Speaker 3:Yeah, thank you Yeah it's my entire story, dude. And there were five people walking on the break wall out to the lighthouse that was there and this guy wearing fishing waders Got swept in from one of the waves and his buddy jumped in after him. They both go under and don't come up, and the lady in the wheelchair was the mother to that guy in the fishing waders.
Speaker 2:Oh fuck.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so, and then the lady that was trying to save them, who was on the ladder, was the fiance to the guy that jumped in after him and And the sister ran and called us and that's how all that should happen. So we get on scene and they're screaming, whatever, and we're like how many more people? they're like two, we're like where they're like They're under your boat. Oh My god. Yeah, so it's like. So I'm scanning the water, i see something blue and I'm like I got something and.
Speaker 3:These women are still taken and beating with these waves. And Yeah, i got the boat hook, i hook it, thinking it's a body. And it was a blue jacket, still zipped up, arm sucked in. Oh, Shit shit, exactly.
Speaker 3:So right then chiefs like we need to stop. Like who can we say right now? Yeah, the woman in the ladder. So if the guys were still, if there was a hand, a leg of foot or any possibility of being able to rescue somebody in the water, we had to let him go. And Chief ended up basically taking his uniform off. We put him in a surface from a harness with a lifeline. He swims out to the lady, you know, he pins her. There's a wall of water or logs. It's just very like shit. You've seen a movie but yeah, it's just weird, you know, feels like it's taking two hours. It probably took a couple of minutes or a couple of seconds.
Speaker 3:Yeah they get back to the boat, we get around board, she's crying, she's looking off the back end Me and she for like I'm like, what are they wearing? Well, she's like someone says wearing a white t-shirt, black jeans, and someone says wearing a blue jacket and fishing wagers. Oh yeah, as soon as she said that, we just looked at you to realize he's fucked up done.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they fill up a water. You're just a big anchor. So that was a Friday afternoon. I'm gonna kind of skip a lot. Yeah, the divers We had everybody on seeing at that point. The divers found her fiance Saturday And then the divers found the son to that one mother on Sunday. So when we tied up we had another case. We tied up At the yacht club because that's where Red Cross and everybody was stationed. That's when they got word they found him.
Speaker 3:So, we tied up there screaming and crying And we got word that they found him. So we went back to the station across the street. I said I was right there. Yeah helped with the body. I stayed with the body until the Emmy got there to take him away and And you know my being ones like do y'all need to talk to anybody, because this is like 48 hours of craziness.
Speaker 3:Yeah and we're like no, yeah, we're good. You know, the pride kind of kicks in. We're good, we don't need anything. I mean, as soon as I took my gun belt off that night and just decompressed, i didn't want to eat anything, i didn't want to drink anything and I'm like something's off. And Then the next day we got relieved. I go home to my best friend and her family because I was living with them at the time, made the mother son connection and I lost it. I lost it and I tried so hard not to like, you know, and I the screams, the nightmares, i just it was bad, it was just really bad. So I was having a hard time trying to tell my best friend and she couldn't understand.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm like, can you at least just hug me? and she didn't want to hug me, so I was breaking down. On top of that, i was hurt with my back and stuff. Some medical issues.
Speaker 3:Yeah and Ended up getting. I had got separated from the Coast Guard, not on my own terms. Shortly after my grandma was taken from us, i lost my career. Basically is what happened. Yeah, with Wayans is The copy up there? So I had a back injury. I tried to get a med board to get medically discharged Because I just couldn't run anymore. There's a lot of stuff I couldn't do. I went airborne later on my face.
Speaker 3:Yeah just physically. I was breaking down and you know freaking HS or health services chief and sector like Michigan wasn't returning emails or phone calls. But I had to get weighed in at the station and I was like a pound or two over my max and And they're like you need to lose this weight or you can be subject to discharge and My injuries. I just I could, i want to do shit.
Speaker 3:Yeah and I was probably up about five pounds over my max allowable, and That was it They're like. Well, we got to put you in inactive rudder reserves because you're no longer fit for duty, and we got you got to write out the rest of your career until your Contracts up, which was a year later.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So meanwhile, here's me I, right after that case. I had to start a college a week later, so never got help. I Went straight to school. I got recalled by my master's chief in Chicago To get my ass back because he was not doing good.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:He ended up taking me out back with another guy because we're all reservists. They were Chicago police officers. They popped open a six-pack or they brought out. They brought a six pack of beer. They're like drink, because that's what we fucking did.
Speaker 1:Yeah right.
Speaker 3:And meanwhile I'm like I'm trying not to lose it, because often the distance in Chicago or the little swimming markers that we had to use To mark the area where the guys fell in, like all this bullshit.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i lost. I had the trauma. I lost my career, and then I had a falling all my best friend, and then I lost my grandma and there was like all this shit just piling up cheese.
Speaker 3:But when I lost my career for good, I took one night I took five shots of crown and I took a knife to my uniform in front of my best friend and she saw the whole thing and She kicked me out of the house. I drove to a hospital and The social worker is like what do you do for a living? And I'm like wall in the Coast Guard, But I'm not actively drilling right now. She's like I would be really careful. What you tell me.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 3:Like I was very like, like I didn't want to be there You're like.
Speaker 3:I wasn't contemplating suicide, but it was. That was my downfall of like. Here we go. So I didn't tell her anything, i just slept it off. I got sober and the next day I remit I met up with my best friend and I didn't get kicked out of the house. Then I'm becoming homeless at some. At some point I lost my first civilian job. I lost a few civilian jobs And it just like I was like I can't do this anymore and I had no purpose. I lost my identity. The transition sucked.
Speaker 3:Yeah they don't get you ready for anything. I went to the VA in Chicago after my incident, trying to file for disability, for all this other shit and PTSD, and I had to sit down for the doctor take this test, and she's like, well, you didn't score. I don't know if they're free, don't have PTSD. Meanwhile I was like bawling and crying uncontrollably and she left me there. She's like all right, we're down here. I'm like, wow, so Yeah, that that happened. Yeah, that's a huge problem that the VA has right now?
Speaker 1:Well, not right now, just in general.
Speaker 3:Yeah that's.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry you went through that, that's no, thank you, It was.
Speaker 3:It was a shit show and I was by myself because I wasn't talking to my best friend at the time, right, i didn't have family, became homeless, living out of my car for about three weeks. I went to a VSO. They gave me a voucher to stay at a hotel for two weeks. I went one night and it was like damn near Like hookers and blow. I'm like oh yes, yes, rooms. I'm like I'm not saying you're right, or I'm saying my car At least you can lock those doors for real.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but it's not when you crack the window and it starts raining on you a little bit.
Speaker 3:Yeah but I remember I was looking for a job and I'd be at this one Starbucks every day And my barista is like you're here all the time, what do you? what's going on? And I told her what was going on. She's like let me talk to my husband, maybe we can bring you in for a little bit. And meanwhile I'd already filed for disability. I was waiting for all that stuff, you know, and at that point it like we're talking. Almost two years later I am, um, like I said, i'm kind of jumping around, yeah, um, and I ended up picking up a part-time job just so I could shower at a wreck at a rec center. Um, and my barista came back to me and she's like we're gonna, you can come live with us and take you back under feet. I was like what?
Speaker 2:So awesome.
Speaker 3:Yeah, dude. So I ended up living with them a couple of months and I remember going to church and kind of testing God. I'm like you know, if my disability check hits, i will move back to Texas, thinking it's gonna take forever. Bing, it hit like the following week With back pay of two years.
Speaker 1:I'm like yeah, like look what he just did.
Speaker 3:Meanwhile I got an opportunity to do a training year Dallas. That helped me like save my life.
Speaker 1:That is amazing.
Speaker 3:The day I graduated that training was the two-year anniversary of that incident and it was the day I took to the side off the table.
Speaker 3:Hell yeah, i got very close. I remember crying on the phone of my mom I'm like I don't want to be here, i can't do this, i want to be here and I would wish for it. And Before I could plant it, before I was like, yes, i'm doing this, i'm gonna plant it, we're done. Yeah, i got the opportunity to come back to Texas because, like I said in Chicago, and do some hard work, meaning look in the mirror, get called on my shit lovingly and learn how to have those hard conversations in a safe place.
Speaker 3:Yes and It's ultimately and it was the music and the training that helped, in addition, everything else that helped save my life, which is how twenty two hundred taps was Not born, but that was a big catalyst to why I wanted to do this. So that's that in a nutshell. That's all the craziness, minus the childhood trauma that I went through, which I'm going still working on that in therapy. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's such a Yeah, that's a lot of process. Yeah, but no, that's like such an I Like what James said. I mean this, i've just, i'm still stuck off like the You know. I asked God, like you know, hey, you know, show me, show me what you got. And she sent me this check and boom like, alright, now show me what you got, you know. And then and then you did it.
Speaker 1:You know, and that's and that's how, that's how a lot of things happen and then a lot of people. I mean I'm not I wouldn't say I'm like super faith-based by any means, but I'm also not like closed off to the idea. So I mean I do believe in God and I do believe that, that I mean he, he or they put us in places at the right time, with the right people, for the right reasons and Ultimately, like putting ourselves me and KZ in this situation, yeah, this has put us in some amazing places and I mean I just like I'm thankful to even hear that story From you and to have it on for our guests. So I appreciate that.
Speaker 3:Thank you, and.
Speaker 1:I did. I did share the link to your third episode in our comments. So whoever is in the comments there and we'll also Share it with our thing as well. But Yeah, that's basically what we're saying. Yeah, he said I'm not religious, but he showed you a path And they asked you to move in and gave you that nudge. Mm-hmm like that's, uh, you know people because he's, you know it's not a, you know he's not like a physical being.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, i'm like, i am a believer, and there are just too many things that have happened in my life for me not to be personally right and.
Speaker 1:That's kind of where I'm getting to be at this point. I think, honestly, i'm just like where I I just got to pick which church I'm gonna wind up going to in the small town for the rest of my life and just go.
Speaker 3:Do you know it's?
Speaker 3:it's more about a relationship than it is Religion for me Yeah and for the longest time I didn't know how to have a relationship with a Man per se, because my daddy wasn't there growing up. So it's like, well, he's your father. I'm like, well, god's my father. How do you even have a relationship with a dad? I don't know how that looks like, so that there's a lot of growth there too, but It's interesting. But, yeah, so that's that's kind of what Led me to everything, and, and throughout my training, when I got healthier and better, my best friend and I actually reconnected and we've been closer than ever.
Speaker 1:Oh, good is awesome. Yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 3:We had to kind of go separate ways to just come back and We've never fought like we did before that, and if we have issues, we just talked through it. It's a lot healthier, i'll tell you that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah, and talking is great therapy. I mean, that's the best therapy, or you know one of the best.
Speaker 1:Honestly, it's the, it's the feeling of being heard to Some. You know that's, that's huge. You could talk all day until you're blue in the face, but if you don't feel like anyone's listening, true.
Speaker 1:Then, you know, it becomes Quite taxing actually, and I've been in that position myself, just felt like, you know, that's where I was at the point in my life, or like nobody would listened. You know, nobody heard me and I was just, you know, and I mean I've thought about it myself and I can't never say that I've attempted it, but I mean I've definitely, oh, i mean it's crossed my mind a million different, you know, in times, but It's definitely one of those things, like you said, like you know that shit's off the table now.
Speaker 1:Like it's, it's not even an option, it's not even something that's worth considering, because I know that that passes the pain. Yeah, onto other people, because that's ultimately what brought us here. Um, i mean, i tear up every time I think about him, but it's like one of our best friends Committed suicide and we decided that was gonna be the last one of our brothers, particularly that don't You know that, don't feel like we were there or you know whatever and I think it just turned into like, well, why not just as many people as we possibly can?
Speaker 3:yeah, excuse me, and like, and I still talk about it on the show, even with my guests, like, although it's off the table, that thought never goes away. For me. Meaning it'll. It came up yesterday just randomly. I'm like what the hell is this? Yeah and when I've talked to some some guests that have struggled through, that are attempted and survived, and we talk about it, they're like, yeah, i have the same thing too.
Speaker 1:So and you got to talk back to it. You know, you got to, you got to listen to what it's trying to tell you that you're not. You're uncomfortable with something there's something you just yeah, you just got to figure out what it is. I heard something on a podcast today and it's like anger, isn't You know? and then that's what I would just equate, that feeling of being angry at myself enough to do that if I were to go.
Speaker 1:But like, anger isn't something that's happening to you, in a sense It's actually something that's Happening for you by you. So if that that makes sense, anger is like a defense for sure. So it's not like Like somebody doesn't put anger in you. I don't know necessarily where I was going with that anymore, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Just like on this, on the psychology aspect, right, we'll talk about that. It's like anger. Is that secondary emotion? What's underneath, what's driving that? what's underneath it? Well, you know, i'm hurt, i'm sad, i'm, i feel worthless, i feel, okay, all that shit, right there, is Driving you to that next step, which is anger. Yeah and when you can kind of understand that you can almost start to control, Like how you're showing up. But you got to do the work. You can't just every day, every day every day.
Speaker 2:That's the biggest thing?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's. It's continual growth and if you stop watering that garden, that garden will definitely dry up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm not gonna.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna lie, i That's probably the first time I've heard someone else say that, because that, because I did, i mean almost took that step two years ago, but but it me, it still comes up in my head At least, at least like every other day. And then, you know, my wife and I actually talked about it, and I didn't mean to scare her, oh, you know, we had a conversation after, but she was like like, how do you like? like, what's wrong with you? How do you feel like? I feel like I felt that night when I was at the park With a knife in my hand and she was like what the fuck is going on? I don't know, i don't, i have no clue, but that's how I feel. So you think about this often.
Speaker 2:I was like, yes, i do sometimes and it's like, yeah, but that was me. And I'm glad you said that, because Now I don't feel so shitty, but because I, because I mean it does, it does pop up in my head More, more times that I don't want it to. But, like you, guys it's probably because of a situation that I'm in.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i mean I was at the hospital getting a MRI and it popped in my head. I'm like what the? hell is this? It's just so random, you know, but I feel like if we're gonna, if we're gonna be honest and talk about show We need, we need to talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3:In a safe place, because no one's gonna judge you. Dude, we're all trying to like survive on this mud ball that we call earth, right, yeah?
Speaker 1:That's, that's ultimately. You know, it's just so crazy because We just got done talking about how God puts us in certain places. But, like today, i don't know, won't I won't say the podcast because I'm actually a little upset at how it went out, but this thing was called. It's like this mastermind that they have right and you know You can apply to be in their mastermind and they interview you to be in their mastermind and and you and you, you spin them 30 minutes Of your background and basically have a therapy session with this coach that the innovative says. You know what? we accept you. We think you could be great, not only as an addition to our mastermind For learning, but also from your background. We think you'd be great For this. It's $500 plus $90 a month.
Speaker 2:He didn't tell me the $90 a month thing, right, so you had me a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:I'm like fuck, yes, i'm all in $500. wait a minute now.
Speaker 2:Like now.
Speaker 1:I get that that information isn't free when somebody's making it right, but it's not like I don't have a computer right.
Speaker 1:And it's not like we don't have these resources and these people, and it was for like a dad group, so it's like for men being better men and stuff like that. But like me, me, what I took from that was like fuck that, i want to start my own mastermind. I want to kind of do The same kind of thing, but not for money, and started with like a make 10 to 12 people Who want to just be Better and like what you just said, like to be able to be called on their bullshit, to be able to be held accountable for things that they may or may not be doing in their lives, that that they have already told us that they want to do differently. Yeah, like fuck man, i haven't done this. like well, dude, you got like, if that's part of your core values and that's what you want, you need to get off your ass and go do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, not just like a conversation like, hey, how's your life? Oh, it's good, okay, cool. Like okay, well, i checked on Pam today, so she's good, you know, and that you know, it's way more than that.
Speaker 3:It's way more than that, or go ahead. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:And that's what I'm trying to do right now. I got a Three people, so if you want to get in on it, you're more.
Speaker 3:Do you gotta be a dude, cuz I know that's why. That's why I'm gonna switch it at the end.
Speaker 1:It's like it doesn't have to be a dude, because it can just be. I Think in this case, this first 10 to 12 should be at least veterans Who have you know, because I think will be very like-minded and if it turns into something that we all enjoy and get something from, then all 10 of us can turn around and start a group, a subgroup, again for free And bite only, so it doesn't get like. You know Like we pick our tribe because it's like you know what, like you look like you would fit into our tribe. You know Like and you feel pretty, and that's what I'm saying you right now. So you feel like you would fit in that tribe 100% Because you know just what you said.
Speaker 1:Like being able to be held accountable is so huge and being able to sit down with yourself and and To say the things that nobody else is really has to the balls to say to you. You know like. You know you're fucking up right now, dude, not living up to your full potential as a person or, you know, as a, as a Parent, as a spouse, as a whatever.
Speaker 1:You know yeah so I think ultimately that's right. That's where I would like to go with that whole shit in the future.
Speaker 3:But Well, i'd love to be a part of that, that's for sure. Looks like we can.
Speaker 1:We got four.
Speaker 3:Well, the thing is, too, is like we're yeah, we host podcasts, some pretty cool podcasts. We're the ones asking the questions. We're the ones like with our show. More specifically, get people a safe place, talk about hardship. Yeah somebody needs to hear it Talk not so much hardship but their traumas and tragedies But how they've been able to overcome it. Because somebody needs to hear that exactly so if I'm going to Give him Pete and give people that platform to do it, then my ass needs to be willing to do it myself.
Speaker 3:Yeah which is why episode three I had a friend come in to interview me Because I'm not gonna take you where I'm not willing to go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, that's what good leaders do.
Speaker 1:That's what KZ says a lot on here says it says, it says sorry, says a lot, Yeah, just that leadership is uh. Yeah, we want to go to places that you know. I'm not gonna ask you to do something I won't do.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's me, that's. I mean, that's what we had Like it, that's why we had my wife on the other day, just because you know We want to open the doors or we've opened the doors obviously, obviously to all veterans and then anyone else who you know What's it talk about.
Speaker 2:And then you know first responders. And then we talked about, you know, military or veteran spouses. I was like, yeah, we should do that. But if we're gonna do that, i need to get my wife on, because I'm not asking anyone else's wife If I can't ask my own. So yeah, I definitely stayed in line with that, with that mentality. Yeah, the um.
Speaker 2:I don't want to, i don't want to go back too far, but, um, you know, when you brought up that moment During your transition time period, was it was, was it the, was it the disability check and that that kind of like, everything lining up, is that what stopped you from make making a plan, or like, or you know what was that thought process like?
Speaker 3:No, but do you want to be? you know, maybe you honest.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Yeah.
Speaker 3:I Follow a lady on face face. She's a pretty well-known like health and wellness coach to send the others always about health and wellness and nothing. Well, this one particular night all she posted was Everyday 22 veterans commit suicide And I'm like, well, i get that because I might be one of them very soon. And then she followed up saying if you're a veteran and you want something different, i've got something for you. It's all she said.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So I messaged her and she's like hey, i've got a training here in Dallas. If you get down here, i just come for one weekend to see what it's like. And I had enough money saved up where I can fly down Dallas and give myself a shot. And I needed to come back a few days later, like a couple days later, for another part of the training. That was like $1,200. I'm like I can't do this. I had told her my name And one of my classmates gave me money for the entire, almost the entire freaking training. Holy shit, he heard my story, he heard me talking and he's like you need to be here, okay. Okay.
Speaker 3:So that was the beginning of of it all And I was still like struggling with the job. I didn't have my check yet, like I was still trying to figure this out. And then the check came later and then I moved back here to Texas with my parents and trying to get on my feet And that, yeah, and then I kept losing jobs, i kept getting fired. I'm like this is bullshit. Like I have an honorable discharge, i'm doing good, yeah, i was a behaved, and here I am getting fired from my civilian job. I cannot do this anymore, okay, so that's why I went to school for music, which ultimately led to 2200 taps, the whole creation of it.
Speaker 1:Before we go into that, i do want to take a couple of seconds to thank our sponsor. Yeah, so this episode is also sponsored by Tejas fabrication in Elkmont, alabama. You guys may remember Will Putnam. He was a earlier guest on our show. He will actually be our next guest on our show as well. So if you don't remember Tejas fabrication, they specialize in custom sheet metalwork, restorations, custom suspension, engine swaps and everything else in between. Follow them on Facebook, shoot them an email Tejas fabrication at gmailcom. Give them a call. Two, five, six, seven, zero, one, four, eight, seven, three, boom.
Speaker 3:Nice job.
Speaker 1:Moving forward. Will is an awesome dude, so yeah, so he's originally from Texas, so I know you picked up on the name Tejas fabrication So the Texas roots are on deep and they are too, So he was one of our earlier guests as well. And yeah, he's actually just. he bought six patches this morning.
Speaker 2:Did he really?
Speaker 1:Yeah, what a dude. Six pads. Walker got a couple too. So yeah, we got some custom leather patches just made up.
Speaker 3:I saw that I actually want to reach out to those guys. We've never had a sponsor on our show, just you know. I don't know how to freaking do it, but I saw your leather patches and I love leather.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I go to Bucky's to get my leather incense And right.
Speaker 1:Dude, i'm telling you, these things actually smell. I don't have them.
Speaker 2:I should have brought them down here, but they actually smell like they're legit leather. Good, i love it Yeah.
Speaker 1:Dude Trevor will take care of you. Tell him that you heard him here. He'll take because he's. he was real excited. I know he wasn't a veteran himself, but I know he did Tell me a story when we were chatting a little bit that one of his his real good friends from like when he grew up, did join the military and didn't come back And then he wound up like writing him a song And I mean it was like a huge part of his life.
Speaker 1:So and then I mean he wasn't one of those guys like I would have joined, but you know, and then I thought it was, you know, i thought it was great for him to share that with me And I know he's also part of that tribe as well And I don't think that mastermind if he wants to be, but definitely part of, like our tribe where it comes to like you know, we got him, he's got us. So definitely shoot him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hit him up cause he'll take care of those patches, and let me know if you want to one of ours, I'll send it to you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'd love to sample please.
Speaker 1:Yeah, can you get a sample before $5. No, that's what I'm selling. We're selling them was six bucks and two for 10. So that's just the little two inch, three in back. You could stick them on pretty much anything.
Speaker 3:No, it's awesome Pretty dope dude.
Speaker 1:And then we got. They actually made us see shirts too.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i need to talk to these guys, yes, yeah, do you.
Speaker 1:Everything hats. We're going to have some hats soon, yeah, but anyways, yeah. So let's, let's get into. So you said music, and music is what brought you to 2200 taps. Let's talk a little bit about that.
Speaker 3:Well, music saved my life, Even when I was a little kid, you know music. I'd isolate to the room, grew up in a very chaotic home and I forced myself how to play guitar. You know, like listening to music. So I don't like music. I actually, I can hear it. I play white ear. What? Um, yeah, Well, because I had to force myself to learn because it was so violent in the house. You know, growing up, the screaming and the yelling, So I forced myself to do it and now I can play white ear and I love it. So the guitar is my saving grace. Um, well, again, it's all in that episode. It's really cool, Uh, but yeah, so I got fired from one of my jobs in 2018. This one wasn't my fault. There was one for sure. I should not have been there, but this one was not. And I say that, Um, even my HR was like listen, I'm going to cover for you for the next month or so. Go figure out what you want to do.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 3:I will try to extend you staying here a little longer for another paycheck Dang, and she did, and I was in Austin, so I Googled music school in Dallas cause I wanted to come back up to Dallas. He's still lived here before.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I saw a school in BFW. I'm like done, close my 11 bill, let's go. Uh. And in part of the music school, the recording arts for audio engineering. Actually I had to take a music business class and a good friend of mine she's used to teach it had to do a couple of semesters and part of it was finding our brand And I'm like I don't know what my brand is. Dude, i'm just here for music. And part of it was having to go back to the childhood and like try to figure out what made you who you are. And that's all in episode three guys It's really cool. And my biological dad, who's more out of my life than in horrible, just, i have no relationship with him. He actually introduced me to the guitar when I was three. Oh shit, Yeah, i'm like so you're telling me the guy that hated me He actually wanted me aborted when my mom. He found out my mom was pregnant and she said no, but How?
Speaker 1:did you find that out?
Speaker 3:I had a falling out.
Speaker 1:Well, I had a falling out. Can you say that to you?
Speaker 3:You gotta go listen to episode three.
Speaker 1:Well, after this I'm going to Yeah.
Speaker 3:No, he and I had a falling out when I was four, about 14, because he was kind of in, more out than in. He was an art. He was actually in the army Damn it. He's a captain five years and womanizers Just not a good example of a healthy dad for me. And we got into when I was about 14 and that was like the first out of suicide And I started cutting myself and I started talking to my mom about him and just all like why, what is his deal? And she just she was. She's like do you want me to be honest with you? Basically, i'm like I want to know everything about his asshole.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And she told me she's like he wanted me, she won't. He wanted her to abort the pregnancy but her and my grandmother said no, there's so much more to that, i promise, oh, i bet. And when I found out in music business, when I was doing the branding thing, i'm like you're telling me the guy that wanted me dead dead ultimately saved my life with this guitar, you know, and I'm like this is a mine. I'm like how does this work? So I had a little bit of a breakdown in class. Thankfully my instructor at the time, who's, like I said, a good friend of mine, she handled it with grace and helped me navigate it.
Speaker 3:And the story I shared early on about my struggles with the transition and everything and people I'm just connected to and I've lost so many fucking people to suicide. We just lost another one recently, Army Vet. I'm like I am so tired of this shit. A lot of it was like 2200 taps And the whole reason for that and it's all together if you look at it. So 22 because we lose 22 veterans a day to suicide, if not more. Now The zeros, because that's our goal is to get to zero and taps on the ones that we've lost and continue to lose. So they've made sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And, being a musician guitarist, I wanted to put music to people's stories. But before that took off, I was a guest on a podcast and we look at this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I was like there is no way it's that easy to run a podcast.
Speaker 1:And the host was like actually kind of is Pretty much is Once you set everything in stone and kind of get your ways set and then you get your niche and you just fucking go, and really it's all about networking with podcasts, and that's what I really like, as you know, because, like now, hopefully we'll be on yours as well, and cross those platforms and cross those listeners and expose in our listeners to your podcast and vice versa, because I mean our goal isn't to be like we're the only podcast out here doing mental health or the best one, fuck that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's so many.
Speaker 1:And we want to. We ultimately would love to get all of them on, especially if they're veteran based, because that's what we do here. As many resources as we can expose to the world, Yeah. And just as many places as we could just say, hey, you're not fucking alone. Today You have this chance to come sit with us and watch this show and comment and be a part of the show, even though you know he was on the show and he will be on the show again, And they know this bouton's KZ's mother-in-law was on here earlier.
Speaker 1:I mean like this is like you know, this is family, It's all family. Yeah, we got to. it's all there, mindy, nice. So yeah, i mean like it's. you know, it's just a huge I don't know. I forgot where I was going with that when he said she's still on, but we do it for the love of it. And it is that easy? That's what it was.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's easy, but here's, here's a lot of people don't know until you do it for a while. It really takes passion and purpose to sustain the longevity of a show, because there's days I'm like I don't want to do this anymore, like just that, this and finding the guests and like all the logistics, like I need a freaking team.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And. But if you push through and you keep going, you will have that longevity that a lot of shows fall off. You see, i want to start a podcast, cool, but then they only have a few shows.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 3:When you realize how much work goes into this shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And there's a lot of work and the social media and the this and that Like luckily we split.
Speaker 1:We split everything pretty well. He handles a lot of like. He makes the reels and does a lot of like. He does all the tick. Talking the social media, mostly I do. I post some stuff and try to handle like the trying to find guests. I mean obviously like when I post in different groups and try to get people on that's, that's big. I need to start doing that more. But I mean it's it's all about that collaboration And that's that's what I think Podcasting is awesome.
Speaker 1:We were on someone show a while back and he said basically we're at like show 15 or 16. At that point I think this is only 28 or 29. So I mean like basically, like you said, like people they think that they're going to get 1000 downloads off the first rip, like it don't work. Like that.
Speaker 1:And like I was, I was pretty like I was realistic and I knew I was like if we got 10, and that's a real thing that I said I was like I'll be shocked if we get 10 fucking downloads on our first episode.
Speaker 3:Dude, i think it's the first episode.
Speaker 1:I think it sucked, but like it was, you know, like we got people listened and we made it a little more. We tweaked it every episode. We made it a little better. We've adjusted fire, which is a huge thing we started talking about, and it's just becoming like second nature at this point, like you saw how much preparation went into this episode And we just sat down and talked five minutes before we got on Like, all right, let's fucking kill this thing, you know, and that's I love it.
Speaker 3:The T-Cross the pond. You're going to be shitting your pants when you're a listener like in Europe, where is the coolest? It's so cool, It's super cool.
Speaker 1:Especially when you see him like repeatedly every week, listen and listen.
Speaker 3:But yeah, that's ultimately what started the whole 2200 taps thing And that the podcast took off faster than the music. So when you start a podcast, you need gas, right. So I was like, hey, we're my friends, we're my family members that want to come on, and I've had my, but I've had my mom on, i've had my best friend on, and the thing is, it's not serious every time I have to have funny episodes because it's so hard. It's content sometimes.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, we call those turret talks, that we like to have those. We call it turret talks And what we do is we we post the link in the comments that people can join in this call, and just we just shoot the shit And we talk about it every other Friday, we literally talk about whatever.
Speaker 2:But like you said, like that's, you kind of need that kind of And it's you do this stuff for as a hobby, like you need that day.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i, i'd back to back interview Saturday, Sunday with two friends. Oh my God, i got so tipped over What my one, my one friend Amy. she shared her husband killed himself in front of her And she's very like explicit. And then the next day was my friend Marcy and she and these stories are just like a one two gut punch that I should not have done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I should spread these out by like a month or something.
Speaker 3:Well, that's what. That's what we do now. I do one episode a month.
Speaker 1:Okay. Yeah, Cause I'm like yeah, I think we need to start maybe doing one week, but I mean, like we're doing, we're due to a week with. I mean, when we first started, we were like let's do them every night, and we did. Like my wife was like do you fucking live here anymore, Cause like you're downstairs doing a podcast every night and like we're like, okay, we need to adjust fire.
Speaker 2:I was just thinking.
Speaker 3:I saw that earlier.
Speaker 1:And then yeah, no and then yeah. So we started doing it two nights a week And then now I think even even that's going to get too much. I mean, I don't know, not too much. I like it two nights a week because we might switch to having, like us, two nights a week and then again, or us one night a week and then a guest one night a week.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cause we were like we were reliant on guests. In the beginning, i feel like, and then, like now, we're like finding our stride. That's just like making content together and it's been fun.
Speaker 3:But yeah, it's, it's. It's pretty fun. I mean we can get creative. I finally had my first 10 year old on recently, so I had to get permission and that's recorded and covered. But I had the dad on and then the next episode was the wife and the son.
Speaker 2:Oh, I saw that.
Speaker 3:It was the perfect, yeah, the perfect marriage of that family story.
Speaker 2:That's cool.
Speaker 3:So it's just, I mean, you guys know like, sometimes you're like how do I want to do this or how are we going to do this, And it's just kind of just happens.
Speaker 2:It's really cool. We, the one thing we like. You know that I found kind of like we, we, we started the whole podcast that I got kicked ID, i got kicked around and like a group chat, and then we finally like I was finally like, hey, fuck it, let's do it. And so we just did it. And then while I was talking to my wife about it, like before we started the mission, like what we're doing, the purpose, all that stuff.
Speaker 2:And my wife. you know she was like you know I love you, but you're going to go, you're going to talk, you're going to talk to people and you know they're going to open themselves up to you And you know she's like are you ready for?
Speaker 3:that You know.
Speaker 2:I was like good, good point. You know, you know, mentally I have my off days and then here I am asking people to share their stories. Yeah, and my whole point is this is the question you know talking through, you know talking with like 20 people now it's actually helped me, how you know, and I think Coggins said the same thing. Like these conversations, you know, they, i hope they're helping at least one person that's watching. Yeah, they, they, they help me tremendously. Like every you know, my, my boot is full after every episode because I'm just like like Dan, that was a, you know, that was shitty, like I hate that that happened to that person. Fuck, their story was cool as fuck.
Speaker 1:And they shared it with us. Yeah, they shared it with me.
Speaker 2:That makes me feel good. You know what they did there during that situation or during that transition that was I didn't think about doing that. I'm going to start. You know, put it, i'm going to start implementing those things in my life too. You find that stuff when you're talking to people.
Speaker 3:Oh, all the time, yeah, all the time. I'll even like go back and listen to episodes and I'm going to funk And those stories just helped me again. It's kind of like full circle moment.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's really cool.
Speaker 2:And that's the coolest thing about doing this, I think, is that it's helping They're there And that's cool.
Speaker 1:It's like it's there forever.
Speaker 3:As long as you're paying things.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's another thing. It's like you know there's so many different ways to do it, too Like yeah. I mean we'll get a bus sprout, then you get a stream yard, then you get this and it's like fuck, like now I'm paying. Oh shit, i did this. Oh yeah, co-host AI on bus sprout. I tried it out. I tried three types of our descriptions of the podcast, like when we post it. So I'm like hell yeah, it saves me hours of typing.
Speaker 3:Man And I. it's so funny.
Speaker 1:I'm terrible at it.
Speaker 3:It's like the you go back and listen to the episodes and that just like fills your bucket Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But you said something earlier about tribe and I'm in Dallas DFW So if you all aren't familiar, it's one of the biggest hubs for veteran nonprofits. So, like one tribe foundations here. who used to be 22 kill? who founded the 22 pushup challenge?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay, light up to live. Yeah, carry the load which is a huge thing around. Memorial Day two The adaptive training foundation, which I'm super pet. That's my tribe right there. The adaptive training foundation, it's a gym for disabled, veterans and civilians, whether you're born with a one or not. That's And I'm going to put a plug in them.
Speaker 1:Do it? Is that cool? Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:So the adaptive training foundation was founded by you guys watch football. Yeah 2008 NFL draft. The last pick of the NFL draft, mr Relevant, was David Vibora.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:And he was the last pick for the Rams ended up starting his rookie season and the remaining four or five seasons that he had under his belt. We're ending football. a shoulder injury. he had a retire, got addicted to painkillers, opioids end up having to go to rehab like all this crazy shit. Well, he had got cleaned, he had moved to Dallas, opened up a gym for elite athletes, olympians and such, went to a Christmas party And you guys might know this name in walks staff Sergeant Travis Mills Wood. 5 quadruple amputees from the war.
Speaker 3:Yeah but if he has David, and when he saw him at the Christmas party He says it was like the hot chick at the bar Because he had to make like a beeline to him. Be like yo, bro. Like Was the last time you worked out Like dude, i don't make you feel like an asshole, but I don't have arms or legs. He's like that's cool, they have. Like what are you afraid of? he's like well, gravity did like falling up.
Speaker 2:Yeah appendages.
Speaker 3:So together they started working out and and ultimately found different methods To just you know, get somebody who has? no arms or legs or of a horrible disability that you or some that you can't see To get better, and that happened in 2000. He started in 2014 And here you are, almost 10 years later. The gym is blowing up here in Dallas, and That's where I met my friends that I'm. This office is they're Adaptive training Foundation athletes.
Speaker 2:That's cool.
Speaker 3:Her husband, when I was his husband, derek He's a retired combat engineer got blown up, so we got a bunch of those stories. We've lost so many people to illnesses, suicide, all this shit, and what's crazy is are beautiful about our community. Like you said, cow, that that tribe Like dude. You see people learn how to walk again. Where the doctors are like you'll never walk, you'll never do x y's, you're like all right, mother trucker.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let's let's go.
Speaker 3:So that's that mentality, the gym. But when we go through this shit where we lose people Like David, the family feels it. David knows the stores. He actually generally gives a shit about us and the program and It's just a beautiful mission. Yeah, we encourage anybody Veteran, civilian, whoever, doesn't matter go check them out on social media Instagram, their website, dr Training Foundation org, or go to my website, 2200 tapscom calm.
Speaker 3:I have us, but section for nonprofits that have been vetted and That I'm personally connected with yeah that we keep up to date And if, for some reason, one of them burns me and I have to be like part ways and I take them off the website. So they're very, they're pretty, they're pretty rad. But yeah, not to go, you know, too far sideways. I had to do it, man, because that tribe has oh yeah they're the ones that have really like Breathe new life into me the past couple of years and I just I can't get enough.
Speaker 1:I'll do. You're in that area, do go get after it, go help. Come on in do some work and he's in, you're, he's in Dallas. Yeah, you're in Dallas. You know, after it said, after it ski.
Speaker 3:Yeah Shoot, let's go get a beer or something, or chocolate milk. If you don't drink, it's.
Speaker 1:I give him some more milk, please, thank you.
Speaker 3:It's our anniversary.
Speaker 1:She'll have a water, please diet water.
Speaker 2:Dang that um.
Speaker 1:That's my internet, so don't super slow, otherwise I would have all these links pulled up, but I can't pull up shit pull them up. Maybe I would a screen, share it or present I don't know what it looks like on the other side of this app. I have, like, the producer, control. I Can do stuff like this. Alright, i'll stop.
Speaker 2:Which one? yeah, yeah, I'll put there. I'll put it on the banner.
Speaker 1:Banna Boom.
Speaker 3:Their Instagram's pretty right actually, so I get their Instagram milkshake.
Speaker 1:He said Carrington. What's up, brother? Good to see you, my man.
Speaker 2:Thank you, You on um yeah.
Speaker 3:Oh hey, milkshakes please dude, it is hot out Oh.
Speaker 1:He was okay We could, i was. I was surprised Alder hasn't said anything about me not having a beard yet I.
Speaker 3:Saw that on the Like this thick-ass beard. What happened?
Speaker 1:I had a job interview yesterday and I wanted to be as professional as possible, but it wasn't yesterday. Yeah, it was yesterday, so now I'm in the. it was a real job, so it's not like one of those we hire you on the spot type thing Yeah. So I'm waiting. Right now I'm in that. Did I make it phase? Am I good enough? so I'm, i'm fighting some, some mental demons and climbing some mental hills in my sleep right now. Uh, if I do sleep, i'm definitely Nervous, because I want this one.
Speaker 3:Hmm, hey, let me ask you, since you're talking about sleep, just I just out of curiosity My sleep is horrible. Um, are you guys like sleepers, like super light sleepers?
Speaker 1:I'm hard to get to sleep, but once I'm out, i'm out. I also The medications I take. I take they. They make me sleepy, so I take them at night. That also helps me fall asleep. You look like a teen and I hate you. I'm actually 37, But no shit. Oh, I forgot what we were talking about.
Speaker 2:Are you a lifelaper?
Speaker 1:No, No, I get super baked before I go to bed too. I really high like fucking spaceships, don't so I just started doing that.
Speaker 2:Well, not getting spaceships down by?
Speaker 1:the animals. Yeah, I started with the edibles Edibles have helped me out like tremendously, almost almost, almost a little too good He went from not even doing anything and I told him, like he does, delta 8 edibles And that's why I told him, like you can order them online and have him since your house going to worry about shit. They're illegal everywhere and uh yeah, they're just as good. I think You're not overpoweringly strong. Unless you get them, you could get the super powered ones.
Speaker 2:Peers are overrated unless you take two and you're not really in your like new, like my, isn't it a?
Speaker 1:German thing not to be able to really grow much facial hair. I know my dad's got a lot of German in him So I don't have a lot of body hair, but I can grow a beard I.
Speaker 2:Can't grow one, to say You, um, i keep looking at this note because I Can't grow a beard. No, i have this note circle just because and I keep looking at it, just because I'm a little jealous you, you self taught. How long did it take to self-teach yourself the guitar?
Speaker 3:Dude, i was five. I remember Dang those five. Okay, so I remember this one time and I learned it very fast my So horror story when it came to the guitar in my first heartbreak Let me just preface this I, my grandma, got me a guitar from Mexico like the sunburst, like black and brown.
Speaker 3:I didn't want. I wanted a black guitar or not that color. So I grabbed my grandpa shoe polish. Thank you, world War two court, korean war, veteran grandpa. I Smirred it all over the guitar from back. I got my black guitar. My grandma got pissed, my Mexican grandma, you can imagine that.
Speaker 1:Do you get hit with a chunk of?
Speaker 3:I could do it. I got that day, but I got the chunk of the ice water, i got everything, but she told me to go wash it off. She's like go to the bathtub, go wash off. Right now I'm five. You think she would teach me how to do this shit. So what do I do? I draw it like a hot-ass bath And I soak it and I'm all proud, cleaning it, put in the garage for it to dry, come back out later And it's like in a million pieces because there's a wooden guitar. Oh Yeah, maybe the first time I actually said that afford actually. And I was like heartbroken and my grandpa, he, they got me another guitar and he said you know, if you can learn a Song on the guitar by you, a brand new guitar. So I learned to. We go to, we go, little star.
Speaker 3:Nailed it like so fast because it's like going up and down the scale and like this sounds like it and before I knew it I was kind of The whole ear thing dude It's just yeah cool and I Do. I've always loved music ever since, so it's kind of my DNA. My biological dad He's a guitarist and my mom is a singer, so I have music in the blood at some point or somewhere and it's just. It speaks to me like nobody else man, so yeah.
Speaker 2:That's a cool thing to like yeah you'll be here and play something. My grandparents were very their gifted like that. Like they, they could play any instrument they picked up, but eventually within the church, like Because they were from the islands and so they were. Every island that in the federal states of Micronesia has a different dialect.
Speaker 2:So, obviously all their hymns are different. So my but my grandparents had had to like travel from island, island and they would translate. They would hear the music and then they would. They would, you know, write down the notes and then translate into another language in entirely.
Speaker 3:Dude, that's rad. Yeah, I was like what over here?
Speaker 2:I didn't get that trick like.
Speaker 3:I.
Speaker 2:Like me, i learned I had to be forced to look, i was. I was forced to learn how to play the violin And so, like I had to learn to read music, and that was what man that may now I can do. I can read music. But now I'm seeing my daughter's doing the same thing She's learning the violin and she's like Reading the music.
Speaker 3:I can't read music like that scene in the Goonies where Andy has to like play the piano. Oh yeah, we would all be dead. I mean, like that horse crew.
Speaker 1:If I get the wrong key again, we'll all be flat.
Speaker 2:And the um To switch back gears a little bit here on your, because you're, you talk to all these awesome people And, you know, have their stories.
Speaker 2:Yeah what, um, you know, giving you, giving your history and like how you've you know, you know with the, with the Separation, homelessness, the problems with the VA and stuff like that That makes a very tough time for transition. What would be the biggest key tip of key, tip, advice, key, how I always fuck this up What would be the biggest, he biggest? What would be your advice to those transitioning right now?
Speaker 1:fucking nailed it, thank you.
Speaker 2:Like what's one of the biggest tips of advice you could give anybody if you had any?
Speaker 3:dude, check your ego at the door. Because our pride gets in the way, we don't ask for help. We're, we're this, we're that, we veterans it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3:Like, do you check your ego at the door because at the end of day, you're gonna need help because no one's gonna. I was talking to a friend of mine recently who does financials. She's like you know you could have switched over your life insurance to do this and you could have done this with your money before you got out. I'm like what I'm like? they don't teach us this shit. They give us four days of taps, shove everything down our throats and expect us to remember the shit Dang you know. So be proactive. Make a copy of your freaking medical records. Ooh, that's a big one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, good copy, leave with all your shit I Found out mine in the middle after like six months.
Speaker 3:There you go, literally got it last week and if you're separating dude, get in and get your Go. get evaluated for your claims now, because the closer you are to your if you do it now, before you separate, they can't come back and be like well, what you've been out for so long and we don't know if that was service connector or not bullshit right. Yeah, get it done as quickly as possible.
Speaker 3:Hit us up, hit our resources up, be ready to fight the VA with every. I feel like that's the battle they actually get us ready for. I really do because hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, i actually.
Speaker 3:Had a couple months ago. I've been trying to get community care and they're running me in circles and I had, i had a meltdown and Before I knew it I had people coming in to check on me. They wanted me to talk to someone. so I'm like, and somebody picked up the phone and they're like she's suicidal. and they're like are you suicidal? I'm like I'm not answering your question. I'm so pissed, dude, that's a year trying to get my knee, yeah checked by a real doctor and uh.
Speaker 3:Yeah that that that incident actually got me what I needed. unfortunate, fortunately, but it just sucks that it had to get to that point. Yeah, i'm saying, oh yeah, i'm running in circles, bullshit, i.
Speaker 1:I think I got to that point too at one point a Like when I was trying to get everything and I was making so many phone calls And I think at one point I got to a voicemail and I just fucking because I had still wasn't taken any medication and I was just, oh my god, like I was like a 12. When I'm just screaming into my phone like you motherfuckers wonder why Veterans are offering often themselves, in record fucking numbers, it's because Nobody can get a solid fucking answer from anybody in this entire establishment. Everybody's on lunch, everybody's going part time. I just personally recently I've had my same doctor for two years since I moved here. Been awesome. Just the other day got a phone call that I don't have the same doctor anymore. I have to restart everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that happened. Yes, dude, I'm not gonna happen. Do it after that happened. The day after I enroll into VA. They're like, hey, by the way, need to come back in and do another, another like physical. I'll like what the fuck?
Speaker 3:I had a therapist, i a civilian therapist, that the VA sent me to that I actually liked Yeah, we're doing good work I was making progress and then come to the clinic and I was like I'm like I'm gonna get my first and then, come January 1st of like 2020, something, she's like, hey, i can't see you anymore because the VA updated paperwork that kicked me out of network. I'm like what? So then I try to like Manage and VA is like you need to tell her this. I'm like, no, you need to, i'm getting out.
Speaker 3:You did tell her Yeah, like well you need, i'm like, so they finally get her back after months of fighting. Believe it, i wasn't the only one. They get her back in network and I try to make a, an appointment. And she said I'm sorry, i'm not taking veterans anymore because the VA is not paying me. What?
Speaker 2:the right.
Speaker 3:So I've been through so many therapists and I'm just like I am so tired of this shit and it's. You know, james, i see your question, or a serious statement.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i was gonna bring it up when we had a chance here I'll bring it up. He says I don't think mine was ego, he more felt like it, like I shouldn't need to ask for help, and I guess I mean I wonder.
Speaker 2:I was kind of. I was kind of like that like I don't, i don't, i don't need to ask for help, like I don't.
Speaker 1:It was a pride thing and for me it was like well, it depends on, like the help we're talking about, whoa if we're talking about, like the mental health health, like I didn't think I needed it until recently now. I'm like fuck, i needed that shit a long time ago. but I'm also very firm believer in like without all those oopses, i wouldn't be where I'm at today, and where.
Speaker 1:I'm at today is Somewhere I never thought I'd ever be. You know, happy, healthy with a baby. You know, happy, marriage, good life, i mean, and they come to him. Like you said, like you know, it sucks when you're sleeping in the car and the window is open then you're fucking getting rained on like yeah, i fucking know what that's like, you know but, you know it's. It's nice to be on the other side of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then did that stuff make y'all mad?
Speaker 2:It made me mad like when it came to like like getting help for mental health, like I Don't know what made me more mad my wife, you know, asking me to go get it done. Or just finding out, like You know, living in San Antonio, texas, military city, you know, like, and just finding out, like, oh, you know, this guy's being seen for this guy's PTSD That's I don't know why he used to, not anymore, but like initially after transitioning, that used to piss me off. Like I don't, like I'm not doing that, like what. Like don't do, like don't play with the fun, like you're fine.
Speaker 1:I'm fine. Oh, i mean, we'll revert back to our platoon sergeant in the way and well, just the way that They adapted us to be like, you know, if you're not hurt, you know, yeah on it and drive on like that's, that's then, that's why we're here. You know, that's the stigma that we're trying to yeah a race. I mean, we've all fell victim to it at some point. I'm not fine, i'm Killing yourselves for pussies, but then at the same time like ours, almost a pussy one night, then you know like and that was the disappearland.
Speaker 1:And That's the truth of it. And it's not. I think it's. It's, it's a stronger move than people think, but it's not a move that Needs to be done. There's I actually think it's, i don't know. I would say it's probably harder to do that. Then it is to put in the work. I think for me it would be harder to do that all to do what to kill myself.
Speaker 1:Hmm like it would be harder to actually do that. Then it like for me, like putting in the work to be a better person, is Like it's sure it'll be hard and it's gonna be long and it's gonna be exhausting, but it's gonna be something to do. That's an investment in my future, an investment in my family's future. And I think I Don't know, i don't know if that made sense, like I wanted it to. But Hello, like I don't know, like I'm not taking the easy way by living. I don't know, i guess that's kind of a stupid way to put it, but It's a perspective, for sure.
Speaker 2:I mean because I Well cuz, like when I cuz, when I was down that road, like Thinking about like the you know, i like I shouldn't be doing this, but then like thinking down the road and seeing like I Need to, like I need to go talk to somebody, i need to make a phone call, i need to make a car drive, i need to make an appointment, like all that stuff. Like I need to sit down and actually like vent this stuff out. That just seems so exhausting and to do at the at the time. And then what helped me out the most was like Talking to you know, talking to my wife, and just like you know, don't, don't worry about that, don't, don't, don't, let's not worry about that right now, because it's that's stressing you out And that's like a that looks like a never.
Speaker 2:Let's not worry about that. Let's worry about like right now, like as we're at today, one foot in front of the other. Until You're tired, go to sleep and we wake up. Then we worry about tomorrow, tomorrow, but like that's, i see your perspective, but that, yeah, that's like I I've been on that road and like thinking about that, all that, all that hard work, like that is the what, that is what you should do. But when you're in that mindset it's like that shit is exhausting. I don't want to fucking do that. I would rather end my life right now Than attempt to even go down that road.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i mean, i don't know if that I yeah, i guess I might have said it wrong, you too, but I Don't know. We'll just really say it and just say it's easy. I people take the easy way out, but it ain't easy.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, you know, because it and I mean, we know what, what are your thoughts? came before I say anything else.
Speaker 3:Say the question one more time because I'm in it. Okay, so I think more. It's like the fear of judgment, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Kind of boils down to that. It's like, yeah, it's hard to get help, it's hard to want to change and it maybe it would be easier to save myself up. Yeah but when you really think about it, like My, my, my late, my ladies guest, tom said you know, nobody ever asked me what I needed until my wife did.
Speaker 2:Hmm.
Speaker 3:And I'm like oh, he said once I realized, once she said that things changed for him, Like finally somebody I feel seen, i feel like I matter.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But there's always that fear of judgment. Like man, i want to be a burden. It's like you're not a fucking burden and I get that because we're all they're like. I don't want to dump my shit on you because then you're gonna take it on and Does that in the other right, or or you, they do take it on, and then late, and then years down the road You find out that you were a burden and it makes you question your entire relationship with that person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's, that's a heartbreak or two.
Speaker 3:Yeah but then it goes back to self-worth, mm-hmm. Can you genuinely love yourself and feel, have value in yourself, from yourself, instead of having it from somebody else? because if we have somebody else, if we try to seek What's that word? I'm trying like see, just like value, but I'm validation validation. Thank you, Yep and somebody, then that's all. We're gonna seek that the rest of our lives and we're never gonna truly understand What, what value we bring to the table, to the table the people that we are, or how to even love ourselves.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and.
Speaker 3:That's like I would have never been able to even say this to you or understand like that's how it works, had I not given myself an honest shot to just Breathe And be like, okay, i'm gonna give you permission to call me on my shit and not punch you in the throat today. Yeah, because you Can see what's getting in my way, because I obviously cannot.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm and somebody recently it's so funny, we're talking about this like in a marriage. Somebody said like your spouse is like the direct reflection of you, so if they tell you what's getting in your way, maybe you should listen, because they know, they know you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they know you better than anybody else you know you better than anybody, or your best friend, and it's like, okay, you know. So it's like they're not telling you that because they want to be dick or an asshole. It's like, yeah, they love you. Hey, you're doing this and you're sabotaging yourself, okay, so what do you? how do I? okay? Well, let's figure out how to get back on straight, straight, narrow And he start learning how to like. oh, that's how this vulnerability stuff works, got it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Got it and on that note real quick. As a woman, i tell the men this as much. Any opportunity I can tell a man this, i feel like I need to and I want to mm-hmm when I can see a man be vulnerable, That helps me feel safe as a woman.
Speaker 2:You know I mean yes, i, yeah, i do know, i do know you mean, because my wife has said those, those words Pretty much to the tee.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's a man that's closed off in cold, i shut down. But if there's a man that is like us, like we're just talking and chit-chatting and it's like dude, if a man can show their feelings, that they are, they're hurting, and they can freaking smile in pictures, come on, guys, it helps me feel safe as a woman and that's and if you have daughters, they go out that way too, like kind of a, what kind of a manner you teaching them to, to be with, if you're? You know I'm saying and my brother hears this.
Speaker 3:I just fucking said, and it's not just it's not just the men right women too, like we can be vulnerable. It's just gonna allow other people, it's gonna give people permission to do the same.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's really cool, So yeah that's like a quote that I always tend to go back to from the movie coach Carter. Like you know, he's like what's your deepest fear? and he's like, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others to do the same, because our presence liberates them. For her, what is it? because we are liberated from our own fears and our presence liberates others. So like and I and I truly love that just, i mean, there's a little bit longer to it. I love that speech. Every time I see that movie, i'm like, oh god, i fucking just I get I get chills at that point because, like, it's like it's like a pivotal point in the movie or whatever too. But Yeah, it's just, it's a good quote And yeah, i'm just glad that came up. But something yeah, i do wanted to see. I wanted this to say what he said as well here and this other comment before that.
Speaker 2:Which one?
Speaker 1:this one here. So stepping back is one of the hardest things you do. In your mind you have already passed all the other paths To help. You only have to the last step to take and all the pain would be over and just done. You see the long climb back up And it's hard to decide not to end it. I think he understands what I was trying to say.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah and now You, you kind of put an idea in my head of how I wanted to end the show when we were talking earlier And I think I would like to go around the table and ask And that aspect of self-love and I would like to end this thing positively, even with a question to the listeners.
Speaker 1:If you want to just answer this amongst yourself or Shoot us in the comments, whatever What do you bring to the table as a human being that makes you a better human being? Like, like you said, that self-love? I'll start it off and just say like, like, when, when, when I feel like you know someone has maybe rejected, or when, that, when I feel like you know That wasn't my thing, or, you know, when I feel out of place, nowadays I'm able to kind of say like, like it's welcome, it's, it's their loss, because I might be a little rough around the edges, i might annoy you as a friend, i might text you a million times one day or none. The next, casey, i'll tell you that. I'm gonna tell you how I feel all the time. That's gonna be a good thing and a bad thing, because you're always gonna know how I feel and you're always gonna know where you sit with me, because I'm never gonna fucking hide it from you. I also tend to say things that are on my mind quicker than anybody else I've ever met.
Speaker 1:But with that, with that being said, like I'm a hundred percent from the heart, you know I love you. I'm a hundred percent from the heart. You know I love people in my life more than fucking anybody. I mean I feel like more than people could, like I stop half, like in the middle of my day and just I'm just so happy sometimes with where I'm at and You know I can see the Where I've come from and I'm very appreciative of where I am now. So I mean that's what I feel. Like I bring the table is the perspective of someone who's been there before or that's been through it and And is trying to make up for some of the wrongs he's done in his life. And That's where I'm at with it. You know, fuck them if they don't want to be my friend because I'm dope.
Speaker 3:Should be in a t-shirt.
Speaker 1:There we go. So uh yeah, who's next payment go next?
Speaker 3:you should fall and told me Man, i mean, what you see is what you got with me, through and through. I'm not gonna sugarcoat stuff. I love the F word, i love Jesus and I love drinking whiskey. Yeah, man, i love you unconditionally, compassionately, until You show me otherwise, and but, but it's gotta be pretty significant for me to cut you out of my life. That's one thing that I'm very good at is just when I'm done, i'm done. But again, that's from a lot of childhood trauma and stuff that I've just been through. That works for me. I'm not okay with it, which is why I'm going to therapy still, but Just being a safe place for people, i really want to make sure I do that day in and day out.
Speaker 3:What said in Certain circumstances, days in those circumstances, even with the show, is a podcast hose. I tell people I'm not a therapist, i'm a life coach. I don't try to be like one, i just ask questions and And then we just go to. People really love telling me their shit like within the first five minutes of meeting them. It's really funny, hey.
Speaker 1:I notice that too here on this. It's like yo, like people are telling us shit.
Speaker 2:I'm just like, because you listen.
Speaker 3:Yeah which is why which is why the podcast works.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's one thing I said in our intro, like the first intro I made, is, like you know, it's a lot of podcasts are designed for you to listen to us, but like now, like we're here to listen to you, and I think that's been true to our words since day one.
Speaker 3:So I Yeah, we just being a safe place is something I pride myself with being a Texan, again, i'm super prideful. I'm not gonna deny that, because I'd be full of Ddu-Ddu you know that. Yeah, I mean just living life every day with and being intentional with what I do every day.
Speaker 1:I like that. That's huge. Don't do anything without intention.
Speaker 3:And if you want to sandbag it and just be lazy, just make sure you're intentional about it, mm-hmm. So That's that's. I'm gonna get off my soapbox.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna, we'll do Alder and then we'll let uh, we'll let KZ tell his Yeah, you're, basically we're a Texas, based Texas, and we go hard in the Pacific Northwest, apparently to.
Speaker 3:Mindy's like God bless Texas and Bucky's.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, they're, that's where case of Mindy's actually KZ's Mother-in-law, So his, his wife's, they're all families from Texas as well. What Right, love it Great. Yeah that's where Nicky or Janelle's from. So, yeah, so, james, again Competing answering that question is no one. Whatever I do is appreciated, makes me feel useful, makes me feel appreciated. If I know what I do is a good thing for someone else, then I will bend over backwards for anyone. Yeah, that's. That's a fucking very good quality to have. And there is the loveliness, janelle. Texas people live hard.
Speaker 2:Oh, who's that?
Speaker 1:He's hot, some chick you should, you should make babies with that one Yeah. She was actually she came on the show Two weeks ago. Yeah two weeks ago and we talked a little stay-at-home parenting and the perspectives of The man and the woman. But she also been through it a lot more than I have with KZ and three deployments and, yeah, those babies, but that's our, that's our number one fan, right there. Yeah, for sure, janelle Bowden number one fan.
Speaker 3:That's the best.
Speaker 1:She texted me that, by the way, after we were on and I thanked her for coming on. She's like remember, i'm your number one fan.
Speaker 3:Sorry.
Speaker 1:I'm ugly, you're up.
Speaker 2:Oh, what I bring to the table to the world. Yeah, i like to think. I like to think it's laughter, because Sometimes, in a good and bad way, laughter is a Great like outlet for me. Sometimes I use it as a defense mechanism and I also use it to To make people laugh and smile.
Speaker 2:That's like that feels my, that feels my boot up every day. Just like watching my kids laugh, making them laugh, like intentionally tickling them and just like laughter. Laughter is in my household 24-7. And then, wherever I go, i used to you know I travel on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're a trip together. I'll tell you.
Speaker 2:But yeah, like, like laughter is like my thing when I, you know, when I go on the road and travel and I mean You know, my, my, i love my job because my, you know, my job is to talk to veterans every day, you know, throughout the disability, the CMP process.
Speaker 2:So like seeing these veterans and like talking to them, making them, making them laugh, like That's like that's what I love to do, that's my thing. Laughter, and like just in in interaction with other people, just because I just, i just love, i love people, sometimes a little bit too much, sometimes a little bit I'm a little bit too trustworthy, but That's, that's a fault of mine because I love, i just love being around people, i love human interaction. That's why working from home sucks Sometimes because there's no one here. And when they're like, hey, you want to go on the road, yes, let me know Ohio, so I can talk everyone's ear off and just be around other people and make them, you know, laugh with them, make them laugh, stuff like sets, that's that's what I'd say. Laughter and and human connection, because that's those are my two favorite things.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, laughing is definitely on that list for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i would say music is a third because, like, like you, like you mentioned before, music is a big, like it's a huge, it's a huge outlet of mine and you know, growing up and like learning about musical theory, and then you know, and and just being you know, unfortunately music was forced down my throat, you know, but I eventually learned to appreciate it in all forms. So, like It's, it's a it's a stupid thing that I do in the car or when I'm listening music I'll hear something in the very, very back background noise.
Speaker 2:I'm like that's cool and I have to, and it's like an hour car ride me explain to my wife why I think that's cool, like why You know, it's like why, why, why that note in the course is different than from the first one? because he's trying to say something stupid, stuff like that. But I love music, music drives my life. But yeah, it's, it's a mute. Yeah, laughter, human connection and music, hell, yeah, well, hey, we're gonna wrap up the show. I appreciate you coming on. call you get anything.
Speaker 1:I do not. This was a. This was a good show. I really appreciate you coming on. Yeah and I'm already looking forward to the next time we get the chat, not only in our upcoming mastermind, that will be, but on your show as well. I mean anytime you want us to come on, just just let us know.
Speaker 2:We come on separately.
Speaker 1:We can come tell you you are separate stories or whatever. However you want to do it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, night I might hate you up on that. I'm gonna do it, for sure. I just I'm thinking I might do it sooner than later, because I. Guess come up soon anytime. It'd be prettier out. I'll tell you that I think you have me. both would be great and learning more about y'all stories, of course, and It's just, it's wild, and sometimes I pinch myself. I'm like is this real life?
Speaker 3:Yeah you know, because For the longest time I didn't know what my calling was And it was like me and I've got a lot of connections in the veteran community and just in general, i'm the person people like can you get me connected to so-and-so, or I'm that person, right. Yep and, but when I look around I'm like dude, i know it's so-and-so, so-and-so It's. I can't really say the names on here because I want people to start talking to me But like pretty important people in good, like famous people, but really good people.
Speaker 3:Yeah because I could be hit or miss, of course, in that community. But it's just like, dude, is this real life? and what's cool about that is our Veteran community is so tight knit, man. It really is. You find each other, you stick together and Like and I'll close with this real quick like that's all people, man. Our stories are gonna be so different, they're gonna be so different, but pain and trauma and hurt, that's all gonna be the same.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:It's all the same. So, just like, don't ever devalue your story because you didn't go through what I went through Or I didn't go through what you went through. I didn't get blown up like my buddy Derek. You know I had other shit happen, but you know, at the end of the day, we're both still in pain, we're both still dealing with shit, we're still struggling, but we're also still thriving, and you know what I'm saying it's like. so I would just encourage people not to devalue your story just because you didn't serve or you didn't go overseas, or Or You know Whatever we tend to do as humans. Oh, they had it worse. No, he didn't dude. It's a different story.
Speaker 3:Yeah he's paying bro. So I did want to add that because I think that's important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think all that shits, the glue that binds us together, to like all those things you said the pain, the trauma, the I mean, like you said, it's all the same and that is the glue that really ultimately does. Find us together, especially once we're out, when we find that that connection again It's huge. And that real connection to not just like that, like I said, like that's superficial conversation connection, like a real a.
Speaker 1:Real connection of people that like genuinely want to hear from you tomorrow, not just like man, i could go months without hearing from that guy and check on them and like I did my part. You good, yeah, i'm good. Okay, see, i checked on Turner. I Was good. I don't know what, what else I'm supposed to do, but no, so yeah again. Thank you so much for coming on. This has been a fucking awesome show, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you want to get you want to close this out. Yeah, sure, um y'all, remember y'all can get um Get Pam's, you're on, you're on all the platforms, aren't you I?
Speaker 3:know you're.
Speaker 2:Notify us where I check. Oh, the podcast. Yeah, your podcast, it's a major streaming platforms.
Speaker 3:Whatever it is that you stream, go on there. Twenty two hundred. Here It's called twenty two hundred tabs guys. People say two thousand two hundred. I'm like, oh god, here we go. But if you guys go on there and you enjoy a show, leave us a review good, bad and different. We could always use feedback to grow And also subscribe. Do that shit that makes you YouTube famous, because it just it's gonna reach more people. I don't care about the money right now. I really don't. I haven't made a single penny. No, really give shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I want these stories to reach more people and I can't do that. We can't. I say us, cuz we're together, we can't do without you. So Yeah, all major streaming platforms. Instagram is where I'm super active on social media, so if you want to follow us there, that'd be great to.
Speaker 2:Sweet, yeah, yeah, and then.
Speaker 1:I was gonna say it looks like it's like one of your. We got one.
Speaker 3:He's been supporting. This is pretty much day one. We love hell Yeah.
Speaker 1:Let's get them on here.
Speaker 2:Did I put? so I thought I did. There you, or at least your Your podcast 2200 tabs, calm for podcasting. Get information about What's up.
Speaker 1:No, nothing. I was gonna say her that third episode. She mentioned that.
Speaker 2:If you want to hear her full background.
Speaker 1:That episode three. It's in the link. Link is in the comments. There we go.
Speaker 2:And listeners. If anyone wants to be a guest on the show, it's as easy as just sending us a Facebook message on Facebook Or sending us the email veteran chat project at gmailcom. Come follow us, come listen to our these awesome stories, like pain story today. We appreciate you sharing your story today. That being said, love y'all. Remember you're not alone, um, and we're out clear eyes, full boots can't lose.
