Veteran Chat Project
Veteran Chat Project
A Leap of Faith: Overcoming Addiction and Embracing Spirituality
What does it take to trade an alcohol-fueled life in the tattoo industry for a life of sobriety, spirituality, law enforcement, and coaching? Our guest, Stu from the Guild Fellowship, has done just that, and he shares his transformative journey with us in this episode. Stu candidly discusses the social pressures to drink he faced, especially in the tattoo industry, and how he cleverly navigated them.
Stu's journey didn't stop at sobering up. He also delved into spirituality and found a profound connection with God that led him to create the Guild Fellowship. As he narrates his inspiring journey, Stu elucidates the power of aligning one's goals and actions with their spiritual mission, leading to greater clarity and fulfillment in life. He also touches on the emotional struggles common among men and introduces us to the concept of 'Yanu' (You Are Not Unique), which helps combat feelings of isolation and uniqueness in our sufferings.
Wrapping up our discussion, we tackle the often overlooked need for support among first responders dealing with trauma. Stu shares his experiences and emphasizes the importance of shared experiences for mentoring and healing. He also reflects on how the divine has worked in his life and the synchronicity that led him to his mission. Join us as we journey through Stu's inspiring transformation, exploring a range of topics from sobriety and spirituality to male struggles and support for first responders.
Oh shit, i always forget to bring up the damn thing. HURR, not THE BOYO. HURR, not THE BOYO. Hey everybody, what's up? Kyle and KZ.
Speaker 2:More people get their voice out there than I think they'll realize. We're all the same, really Go to the RR.
Speaker 1:KZ decided to f*** and do it. Took the bait, so here we go. I didn't tell her. I didn't tell her. it's a trap project, a BASTARIO Where it's encouraged to not be okay all the time. Hey, what's up everybody? It's Kyle.
Speaker 1:And KZ And we are and Stu, and we are here with a Fresh Thursday episode of Veteran Chat Project. It's good to see you all, good to be here. We all had a great hope. You all had a great Fourth of July holiday and spent it with those you loved or doing it with things you loved, or you know what I mean. Love, love, Love man Love that shit, love freedom, love your family, love blowing shit up.
Speaker 1:I hope you all kept your fingers and toes intact. So yeah, so Stu is here with us from the Guild Fellowship and we definitely wanted to talk a little bit about that. But first let's just let him introduce himself and tell you a little bit about his background and kind of how what he's got going on really kind of correlates with what we got going on.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I mean, and you know me from the past and I'll kind of let you guys ask what you want to know about I've got kind of a long crazy story and I'm a talker, so I try to, i'll try to keep it kind of direct. Essentially, what it comes down to is I lived many, many years of my life just trying to be self-serving and just kind of jumping, you know, one easy ride to the next. And one day I started kind of outlining my values and just seeing the different things that I cared about and realized that, you know, i was in the right water, but I had taken my ship, you know, way far this way And unfortunately I had to make some drastic changes. So I was in the tattoo industry for well over a decade. At the time I decided to change my life. I was living in the back of a tattoo shop and I was just going to shower in them like a jammed or sink and flying back and forth 2000 miles to see my wife and kids And it just was not a not a good time.
Speaker 3:Man. I was drinking on the daily. It was one of those, one of those, you know, people suffering from the effects of too much alcohol, that that didn't have TWIs. That wasn't like going home and beat my life or getting in fights and doing crazy stuff or getting arrested. You know, i would just leave the shop And I would go down to the bar and buy it. You know I would go to this craft beer bar, then I'd go to this other bar and I would drink whiskey and Budweiser or whatever over there and smoke my cigarettes And by the end of the night I'd be 108 ounces, you know, of alcohol beat And I would just do that every day. You know, to the point that it was just, it was miserable.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, i decided I needed to make the change. I got out of the tattoo industry, i got sober, found God, got into law enforcement And I've just been jamming ever since man. And then at some point I always liked coaching. I think Kyle, you and I met up between then. I was doing, i did a lot of apprenticeship for people in the shops and I've always enjoyed taking that sort of cop or sort of the coach role you know and just finding ways to solve puzzles and problems for other people And I just get a kick out of seeing, you know, the planning work. And yeah, i was doing that for a while and just realized, man, i got us put this in my life and started the guilt. That's about as about as short as I can get it, i think you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's awesome, dude, that's definitely I. Yeah, i remember, i definitely remember. I just know, like how we grew up and where we grew up, like the party and the drinking was it was the thing to do, especially, i mean, like you, you were, well, you know, in the bands and, like you said, in the tattoo industry and stuff like that. So kudos one for getting sober. I know, i know that's a hard thing to do. Me personally, i never. I mean, i used to drink quite a bit myself. I don't drink anymore. I will have one occasionally, something like that, but you know, i still have my vices, but for the most part I would say I'm sober. If you count weed, i don't know, i got a Medcard Call it what it is, but no. So so what was that like? you know, what was your, what was your official? like holy shit moment. Like I got a like what was that eye opener, you know, for you.
Speaker 3:Man, it's hard to nail it down to one to one moment, weirdly enough. So I was in the second band. I was in we were doing like a Northwestern tour and I put on a ton of weight. I'm only five, six and I was like right around 200 pounds, you know, which isn't terrible. It just it's just way bigger than my walking frame would be if I was taking care of myself at all. You know, Yeah.
Speaker 3:So I started to go on tour and we had done you know, i did sideshow and stuff crazy stuff like taking little thin needles and doing like skin piercings and different things, just to make people go oh and and that's a whole different story. I can get into how that happened.
Speaker 1:It's kind of like It's a whole other show. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I we had done a show recently before that and the venue paid for some blood. So I did a couple of piercings or whatever, and we went to leave and we played I think the first, the first date of that leg of the show and my left hand blew up.
Speaker 3:I used to have like a silicone implant shape of an ome under the skin of this hand and it blew up and it was like about this big and I had to do the whole tour like that And I was like really sick and had blue like symptoms and we had to have a nurse friend like like met me in the back of my tattoo shop and, you know, gave me a shot in the butt of some like pancake thick stuff and was like you know was like Hey, this is.
Speaker 3:I think the the statute of limitations is up and it's a different state. But I mean, basically she was like this is super illegal, so like don't tell anybody for seven years or whatever you know. and it dude, it was just crazy and I was super sick and I had already known that my values weren't in line. I'm like man, i'm like how am I this ill? you know from like just a little like puncture wound you know, that I had done a hundred thousand times.
Speaker 3:It shows, you know, because you're using these tiny little needles and stuff on side shows that you barely even feel you know. They're just like super thin piercing needles And it's just to make people be like whoa and super, super official. So I mean to get sick from that. It just blew my mind. It's kind of silly, but I was like I'm not going to be able. I didn't want to quit drinking necessarily at that point. I just knew if I don't start figuring it out, i'm going to be the guy that dies on the tour bus.
Speaker 3:You know, when he's like 50 and everybody goes oh man, i did, i did, died already. I like this tunes, you know. And they move on to the next band, you know.
Speaker 1:I want to do that. I feel like it's a pretty common thing that can happen. you know, someone gets in, just falls in love and not even falls in love, just get so comfortable with that party life that that's just you know what it is, and they never really have that like holy shit. this isn't what I'm supposed to be doing, or just even like. not even like a holy shit, but, like you said, like there was always just kind of like a it wasn't one or two or one specific moment, but more just like a gut feeling that there was something better.
Speaker 3:So when people say like why did you quit drinking? or like you know, or you don't drink, or whatever, the best analogy I've been using it about seven years now is I just tell them like Hey man, we're at the, we're at the county fair and I used up all my ride tickets, dude, So I'm at funnel cake, Like you ride the ride, it's all good Bro, I'm having fun too.
Speaker 1:Right Like I'm, I'm, I'm completely at peace.
Speaker 3:I'm trying to win a teddy bear. dude, Just do what you got going on. I'm good over here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but don't be surprised if I leave when everyone's hammered, because that stuff is annoying. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah That man.
Speaker 1:I'm like if not, if any of y'all are good, you need a ride, I'll call you an Uber. If you're on the way, I'll take you home. If not, I gotta go.
Speaker 3:Well, i'm like the amount of people I used to buy. The guys would make fun of me sometimes because I would buy two weeks after I quit drinking. We went on tour and I had to do the whole tour of silver and that was like super weird for me.
Speaker 3:I was in a metal band Like my job was to drink whiskey on stage and just find crazy things to say. We were kind of talking about it before. So I created this character that people were used to. I had tattoos on my face and I would do weird stuff. We would do body suspension, live in front of people, we'd do all these crazy things. So I created this character that, when I quit drinking, didn't really resonate anymore, and so people would ask me and people would get rude. I remember I hit some dude in the face with a tomato at Joe Maddox's house one time because he basically said ever since you stopped being depressed and a drunk, you suck as a person. I was like okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a cool thing to say.
Speaker 3:He was like you're just not crazy anymore. So I grabbed a tomato and I waited for him to go in our room with some girl and I said how's this for crazy? and I can't even laugh with a tomato. Different days still, i was like right after sobriety.
Speaker 1:Still got a little bit of that to me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like hey, dude, I'm 40 now so I'm mellowed out, But you know I was early 30s. Then It's like you catch a tomato in the mouth, But it just just the amount of people that would be rude or would like try to coax me into a drink or whatever. So I would actually buy a duals and I would take my bandmates beers and like their empty beer bottles and I would pour a duals into the beer just to avoid the number of like the confrontation that I would get in over just because I didn't want to drink early on.
Speaker 3:So I just would avoid it that way. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.
Speaker 1:People are like that, though I know, just like. Even if you're out in a bike, say you're at someone's house for dinner and they don't know you that well, they get you a beer or something like you're like no, i'm good, i don't. No, thank you, sure man. Whiskey. I got wine, i got trulys, i got seltzers. Like you're like. Like, now, i'm good man, i just don't. I don't like to drink like oh, dude, are you sober? Like I'm so sorry. Yeah, you know what happened Like nothing.
Speaker 3:Oh man, when did you quit smoking math? How long did you quit? I'm sorry, i just don't want to drink, dude.
Speaker 1:Right, bro, like I'm good, i just I just prefer not to. I think what happened to you was just that hangover, that that one hangover just was really like uh, uh, uh, but it also helped me quit smoking cigarettes, but I also never drank really like that again ever.
Speaker 3:I'll tell you what this stuff I mean, not that I, not that I needed. I've had alcohol in my uh.
Speaker 1:I actually heard that today, um on the dad edge podcast, They were talking about it.
Speaker 3:It's good man. It tastes like beer, just like I remember. I like IPA, some stouts, and I've had I maybe did it wrong. I've had alcohol in my house every day since I quit. I just attribute that to knowing why I wanted to quit.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But, uh, i do like a good taste in beer. You know that is like the one. I don't, i don't care about not getting drunk, um, but I do like a good taste in beer.
Speaker 2:That's crazy how other people can uh, how your own vices can affect other people. That's I see it all the time Like my wife, she's, um, she's not really much of a drinker. She'll drink like she's. Like you cost to drink every now and then, but, um, yeah just you know around and I'm not knocking our neighbors at all, they're great people but just you know, just around other people when we're trying to fellowship or whatever And everyone's like, you know you don't want to drink, come on drink, take a drink She's like that's not who I am.
Speaker 2:I just, i just don't want to. You know no other reason. That's just, that's not her thing.
Speaker 3:You know like all right. Well, how about just two shots of tequila, right? How about? no, i want to keep my fucking pants on.
Speaker 1:No, all their uh, common, and so he said his drinking always took him into a depression and like survivor guilt, uh, and and honestly, dude, i think at the end of the night for me and this is like closer to the end, like after, obviously, after the army and different experiences uh definitely would get towards that towards the end of the night And I would catch myself being that guy like kind of sizing everybody up for no reason towards closing time. Uh, and then, luckily nothing. I never, you know, obviously, i never did anything. but uh, i was always smarter than my, my, my brain, let me be sometimes. But uh, yeah, man, it's alcohol can really really really fuck up, uh, everything.
Speaker 1:I want to touch on something since we're there man, I hate to get preachy, but um, he said it with saying that.
Speaker 3:You know, we call it proximity in the guild, right. So you know, yeah, like you, not drinking can affect somebody who is drinking, maybe because they feel guilty that they drank, or they just like you know what, whatever it is.
Speaker 3:Whatever the, the policy um that they're, you know, subscribed to, that makes them want you to drink. However, that validates them If you drink. It also validates people when you don't drink. So when I was about six months into not drinking, i told my life. You know, when I get to a year I had to wait.
Speaker 3:Like I clearly didn't have valuable information until the 12 month mark. You know what I mean. But, uh, yes, i had to wait a year and at a year, uh, i do these posts every year and it's not for, like, my own glory, it's kind of took, it's to glorify God and it's also just to put a message out so that people see that side of things too. You know, and I put my year out and there was this dude who messaged me and he said, hey, uh, i don't know if you remember we were in California and we're at this party and you were there and you weren't drinking And I was asking all these questions. I did remember the conversation not a whole, not quite as much as he did about it, but I did remember it and he's like, yeah, i was just kind of asking you like how, uh, that worked out for you and how you were able to do that and what it was like and where you started fun. And he said, yeah, shortly after that I quit drinking and I'm I'm about nine months sober now.
Speaker 3:And it was like not even a conversation that was intended to like. We weren't talking about him getting sober, he was just curious what it was like And, um, you know, just completely unintentional moment where somebody was helped just because of the decisions that I made. And that's, that's really where I started seeing, like dude, if I don't work out, some other guy don't work out and I'm not working out, so sorry if you guys are fat because I'm, because of me being fat.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, sorry about that.
Speaker 3:Everybody, all the fat people are bad.
Speaker 2:I'll start working out. Everyone blames too.
Speaker 3:But it is kind of it is kind of like that.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean It's like. It's like, just think about it. You go to the bar, your buddy orders a shot and you're like I'll have a shot. You know bartender says, hey, do you guys need any drinks? Your buddy says no. You might say no. I mean you just don't know. You know the decisions that you make, people are like they're gauging what you do and how you act and what you say and decide on whether or not they want to do that too. You know it's like, once that becomes real, if that becomes a value for you, it's like it makes life like really fun to live and sometimes kind of difficult. You're like, oh, dude, like no matter what I do.
Speaker 3:you know I can be giving and taking from the world. You have to kind of put that to the side, but it's just interesting.
Speaker 1:You bring that up Like how it does really affect people. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Just growing up I mean I wouldn't go too far into it, but just alcohol was, was like very present in the household growing up And it was a different time, obviously, And I don't, I don't, it wasn't like a like a problem sort of thing, It was just like and I heard it actually on on the on the dad edge podcast today when I was cutting grass I was listening to an episode and basically he said that like phones screen, like us having a screen in our hand is like the equivalent to like our parents drinking alcohol back in the day, So it's like the one thing that takes their attention away from us or vice versa, our attention away from our kids, and it's actually it was pretty scary what what they said in that thing.
Speaker 1:And then, not to even go too far off, the topic of the phones itself. but you know, like 86 percent of the time we pick up our phones, it's literally just because we want to pick up our phones. It's not because, like, anyone needs to get ahold of you or anything.
Speaker 3:Dope, dope a mining, yeah, Yeah, i love that term.
Speaker 1:So they had this thing and it's called like RO. So it's like a box that you put your phones into and it's got an app. So it's it's built to give you the dopamine, but, like, the whole thing is like having a friendly family competition of like who could put their phone in the box the longest and have it away from them, and I thought that would be pretty cool. Like I thought about getting it just because I mean, like me and my wife, sometimes I catch myself on my phone like way too much. And you know, like next, you know you're like an hour went by and like me and my wife hand said shit to each other and we're sitting right next to each other. I'm like, babe, put your phone down. You know she's like put your phone down. I'm like, all right, let's put our phones down. But yeah, that's just. I don't I know I just went off on a weird one there, but yeah, the phones thing, dude, that's something I need to work on. It's literally talking about being better.
Speaker 3:Yeah, my sergeant is texting me. I recall him and he like soon as you start saying that my sergeant is calling.
Speaker 1:You're like oh, that's the, that's the business phone, though The bat phone. Yeah, that's the phone that stays nonstop, yeah. I was just clicking that dude as dude picks up his phone.
Speaker 3:Do what Someone come in Hey some phones are meant to always be answered. That's one of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you're on vacation. That's one, that's true.
Speaker 1:So actually that's a decent segue into, I mean, you can tell us why a little, or what you can tell us as far as why that phone is is that it has to be answered. So people know a little bit more of your background.
Speaker 3:Yeah why not? I kind of tell you like, like, as far as like what I do Yeah, i mean it's I don't know You can kind of talk about it And in some lights it's like, oh, that's like an action movie, and then in other lights it's like, you know, oh, cool, so you're like halfway part of the cool guy club. You know, in fact, at stations, one time my buddy of mine he's in the 82nd and he's like you know we were talking about like search warrants and different things, and he's like, oh, yeah, go, you know yeah we go through doors or some comment, and he's like you know.
Speaker 3:Basically was like, i guess, saying it's hard to talk about the job because it no matter how you talk about it. It's like you can sound like you're just trying to be like. You know, i'm not trying to ask you to thank me for my service. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:No, yeah, yeah, you're talking.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i'm preaching to the choir here, yeah, so you know I can't really talk well, i can, but I won't talk too much about what I do. It's not all that like top secret or anything like that. It's just for the nature of you know, it's just not really anybody's business. However, the I have one of those jobs where, like that phone rings at two in the morning and it, if it rings at two in the morning, it likely means putting some stuff on and going and doing some work that Most people don't want to go to you. Hey, you know It's a cool job and I love it. And as far as, like, how I got into it, you know I have my face tattoo. My neck was tattooed. My ears were all stretched out. I'd implant some my implant my hand, like I mentioned, this hand's been lasered. My neck was like all black, remember?
Speaker 1:watching you go through the the removal process on Facebook. Yeah, I do that.
Speaker 3:Didn't hurt more than the tattoos. Dude I'll take. So I want to vanishing point. Stephanie over there took care of me. She's awesome and and do that. Stuff is painful but it's so fast.
Speaker 3:Yeah and they were super good. I mean, i was really really fortunate for them. They showed me a lot of love, really took care of me, and I I will message her, like usually Once a year or whatever, when the memory where the neck was gone comes up and whatever, and I just tell it Thanks, you know, because without her I wouldn't have been able to do, without them I wouldn't have been able to do What I'm doing now, and so that's that is. Uh, it was, it was cool. There's a lot of things, but It you're talking about like moments, how that happened.
Speaker 3:So I'm a, i'm a 9-11, 18 year old, you know, um, i remember when that happened, i'm 40, you know, my mom was like calling me. I was home from school. My mom was calling me, or I wasn't in school anymore. My mom was calling me. She's like get in here and like usually, when that happened or in the morning, you know which, it would be like come see some dog on animal Planet or something. So I'm like, i'm like leave me alone, mom, i'm trying to sleep till 12, you know, but I went in and that's what it what it was. My dad, you know, as a kid, worked for McDonald's Douglas and I worked for Boeing, or I worked for when he worked for Boeing and I just remember, like Even being that far from it, like my mom being super afraid, like You know they're gonna they're gonna bomb your dad's work and you know just all these different things. It's just like kind of ridiculous.
Speaker 3:As it isn't a don't want to, know a little bit more but it just people were freaking out and it was just a whole thing. And then a buddy of mine went and You know I won't mention his name, but he went right away and he came back after his first deployment. It was really, it was really good, like he was stoked on it. You know, we were getting super hammered drunk. We did like a blood brother's thing. He was like you're really tiny and crazy, You should be a sniper. And he had this just like talking me up really high and like you could just go in and be like I want to do this job.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:He's just like talking me up and I was like all about it, you know, while we were getting hammered, and then I remember You know the bands and just the drinking and just the different things. I just didn't do it and All my life I had felt that that call. You know, we call it the war drum and the gill right, that beating in your chest like that.
Speaker 1:I like that.
Speaker 3:I'm segue in here, but you know that scene in brave heart where he's like, he's like going up on the horse And he's got like the antler. No, he's got a flail. Yeah his hair and it's like the music's like.
Speaker 2:And it's like all intense and you're like, is he really gonna surrender?
Speaker 3:and all this stuff, that feeling. Go and watch that scene Right and tell me that's not exactly how you feel when you're like not living your life to a mission, or you're like wanting to know what the mission should be or the whatever. Like that's the feeling you got. I guarantee it. So that's what I had all the way up into choosing to serve in law enforcement. Right, and I can remember this one. I do remember a moment I Was like telling my, my ex-wife Got into the National Guard and got deployed to Afghanistan and I went to a. I went to an event, a Vets event, and I was like raising money for Some vet organization. I remember what it was up to, always supported that. I'm bouncing all over and The reason why I supported that is because the second tour my buddy came back from he was not okay.
Speaker 3:Hmm right and we were like driving on a four-lane road and he was like might have to drive my truck And then, before I knew it, he was like pale as a ghost. He was a super dark skinned dude. His pale as a ghost sweat me, drove his car across four lanes of traffic and crashed it over a meeting.
Speaker 2:Holy shit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, i'm assuming we never talked about. I'm assuming, yeah, he saw something in the road or whatever it was. But yeah it was. It was crazy dude. And so I kind of had like a weird, a Weird version of survivors guilt for a guy that never went like here's, like somebody I'm super close to. It's totally ridiculous to think about now, but I just had guilt for not going and I carried that with me. So I so I didn't realize I was doing at the time, knowing I wanted to serve, i was making excuses for myself So I'd go to these events and people I'd be like, yeah, i almost signed up, like I was like that, yeah, remember, i was explaining it to this guy and and I had done my best sticks to excuse it all away. So they even still think I was a good deal, i just feel way long ago before I started doing all the work, still externally Validating a lot, and I just remember he let me explain it all to him and he goes.
Speaker 3:So your lady stepped up And I was like like I wanted to be like Yes you know, whatever he had, a beat breaks off me if I tried anything I do was jack. But I just kind of stood there shocked and it was like. It was like one of those feedbacks where, like you know, all you can say is thank you really, because you're like that. That was super true, yeah. Even and and.
Speaker 3:Even after that it was years before I was like because then, I had all the tattoos and all the excuses Why it was impossible. And so when I Finally decided to do it, you know I got laughed out of PD's. I got death threats on the internet from people that I you know What's in the tattoo industry with or toured with or you know whatever I got. I got Friends, you know mess. I remember one friend specifically messaged me and was like hey, uh, you know I can, i can appreciate what you're trying to do, but just don't Basically and he was a first responder also which we've, we've he messes me recently and apologized for that, which was which are unnecessary, but you know. So I think, i think all of you, if you're watching this right now for some slump slim chance that You actually care what's happening in my life and you're watching this and you did not want me to do that. Thanks, appreciate you.
Speaker 3:Because, I was basically like a big letter F to all of you. Yeah like now it is happening.
Speaker 1:You know, watch. You just told me I can't, so now watch.
Speaker 3:Yeah You, the shit I'm about to laser my face until it catches on fire right not only am I gonna do it.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna be the fucking, i'm gonna be the best one doing it. Yeah yeah, man, and that's awesome quick hold my own duels watch. Yeah, hold my athletic brewing and watch what I do with it. That's.
Speaker 3:I well, i don't work out as much anymore, so I kind of just get fat with it right now. But we're, we're getting to that.
Speaker 1:Well, because you were doing a bunch of jiu-jitsu and stuff like that for a while, weren't you? Yeah, so um, seems to be a pretty common exercise amongst veterans and law enforcement. As far as To my neighbor trying to get me into that like a side, you should go.
Speaker 3:You should do it. I'm just, it is dude, you scared.
Speaker 1:You're in crossfit shape, dude You're. You got the leg up on any anybody else that's sitting in there the first day.
Speaker 3:The different cardio you will feel better than than your average.
Speaker 1:I didn't say anybody else there, i said anybody else walking in on the first day Me personally, i went to like the one in uh in Colorado. I was going for a little bit and like I just remember being like the first time I went, dude, i was smoked like before the warm-up was over. I'm like Like they're like all right, let's start working out like fuck me dude.
Speaker 3:You work out.
Speaker 1:That's a 75 year old man.
Speaker 3:God, it's such a head game Um it is so I can tell you, like I'll tell you a little bit just for just for context. One of the things that I do in the unit that I'm on is Operate a shield, so I'm the smallest guy on the unit which, so I'm the easiest to shoot around.
Speaker 3:You know, um, and so I'll do that and like like I'm not kidding, i mean I will. I usually will pray and route, i'll check my heart rate. You know I do all the stuff that like you know you should be doing. if you're stepping into something potentially crazy, you know. But Um, but I'm cool with that. But, as you did see, competition just like destroys my, my confidence And I don't know what to do. I mean, i've talked to my coach about it and he was like trying to be nice, i think, but he was like what? I'm like, yeah, dude, i like I'm scared of this. It's like there's no like.
Speaker 2:Does it feel you to go back though?
Speaker 3:Do what?
Speaker 2:does that does? does that feel you to go back and get back on the mat? Yeah, like that that, that sense of I don't want to call it fear, but that just that, that what you were just describing, that feeling you get, like this, should kick my ass.
Speaker 3:I need to go back what, what I'm discovering, and I've taken some time off recently just because I got a bunch of different things going on right now with the guild and you know just life. I actually baked my, my coach for a morning class and then And then life changed as soon as he did it and so now he's got this morning class and I'm not going. So he probably hates me, feel, if you're watching. Dude, i'm sorry, i love you, i'll be back. I'm gonna get beat up anyway. Uh, what I notice is, like you know, so you ever check yourself for like internal and external validation, right? Like you ever done an inventory on yourself on that? like what things do I need other people to tell me I'm enough at? You know, because all human beings, like we, only really want two things We want to be enough And we want to be loved, and we're either unloved because we're not enough or not enough because we're unloved, right?
Speaker 3:That's really it, Yeah man, women, all of it's the same thing. So I think jujitsu and competition in that way. There is no life or death in it for me. Like it like there is at work. There is no like do your duty and don't think twice about it, because that's what has to be done here and now, at the moment.
Speaker 2:You know like, you know, like you know that feeling when it's like, oh, I'm about to do something that's real crazy, but like, it's what me, it's what shall be done, so there's no question.
Speaker 3:Yeah, there's all kinds of questions about a tournament?
Speaker 3:Do I want to spend the money? Do I want to arrange my weekend? You know, should I wear my white key or my blue key? Headphones? no Headphones, you know, there's like all kinds of things that you can play in your head, and I think for me, i've discovered that that is jujitsu is a place that, in competition, that I still want other people to tell me I'm good enough, and, and so I have to like say that out loud to whoever and and you know, completely take full ownership of that and go. That's my problem, right? I want to be validated, and so if I lose, then it'll be evidence that I'm not enough. So don't do it, because I've collected enough of that in my life and I know I hate it, and now I'm in a place where I don't get much of that. So I hate it, you know so it's like.
Speaker 3:That's, i think, what fuels me to go back, because I don't want to be like You know. I don't want to be some weak asshole That quits jujitsu because it hurts his feelings or, you know, makes him you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Hell no, i'm going. I'm gonna go to beat up every day. I hate it, so That is a plan when I get back from vacation.
Speaker 2:Where you, uh, where are you vacationing out right now, or are you home?
Speaker 3:I'm in uh Gulf shores. I don't look out the window to.
Speaker 2:Oh shit, I was um, let's do. I was on the. I want to make sure I get it right here. I think I put on the banner is got uh, A guild fellowshipcom. Is that the website?
Speaker 3:Yep, yep, that's it All right, put it up there.
Speaker 2:This is um. This is some cool ass shit, dude, how, um like as far as, like the timeline goes, like When it like What's the timeline of this? like like you know, as it correlates to your, like, your time and service, and um Like the conception you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah okay, um.
Speaker 3:So, so Probably around 2016, i started helping people with different things and in early 2017, um, i started taking that more seriously, actually taking my private coaching clients and, um, one of the guys that That I was helping out, like, his marriage was kind of rocky, his relationship with his kids was kind of rocky, he was drinking a lot, he was like really overweight for his size, um, and he had just had all these goals and and he made it easy because he was clear about He was clear about his goals And he really wanted to do it and so, like I just had to take this panic.
Speaker 3:So, you know, looking back, it was like not really that hard to work, but the results that were gotten gotten from that were so awesome, um, and it just really impressed me. And then I think, at some point, yeah, i was, i was like back into, you know, into church at that point And I was, i was talking with God a lot. And I want to be clear on like, when I say like hearing God's voice, what I want you to understand what I'm saying is like um, so I have this potted bush in my living room And I will put like that color fire Dust on it and light it on fire and then, once it is burning green, it will speak to me.
Speaker 2:Oh shit.
Speaker 3:No, I'm just playing over him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i think he's sober, but he also does. Yeah, i was like buttons. No, he's just like making sure you're still paying attention.
Speaker 3:Uh, I'm not able to pray with stew but the thing is, yeah, it's a really good time, dude, you should see the wallpaper I got, um. So What's interesting about it, though, is like I started really hearing God like in my spirit, right like through that wardrobe that wardrobe, the same one, that was like when I was getting out of the industry. I went to my wife one day and I said, hey, i'm gonna go be a cop. She's like fuck, you're gonna. What? now, face, i'll pat it up. My head still tattooed Here's probably too long now, anyway. Um, so I would just hear this voice being like you need to go do this, go be a cop, go be a cop, go be a mentor. And I was kept hearing it, and I finally said all right, we'll see what's up. And I just started doing the things. Um, that it was telling me, and and it's not like a voice, like speaking to me in words, it's like just a sense, like a knowingness and innate knowing, and so, uh, i know it sounds crazy to a lot of people, but that's how the guild came to conception. So I was here, i was feeling that, you know, i was feeling that I was like hearing God's voice so much that I would literally get a cigar and I would go put ambient music out on And sit out on the balcony and smoke a cigar and just be like I'm listening, whatever it is. And, uh, you know, napoleon Hill called it sitting for ideas, or he stole that term from somebody, i think. But the point of it is I would just sit there and be present and all this stuff would just flood my head and I think, um, i told you I'm a talker. Now, i think around 2019 is, yeah, 2019.
Speaker 3:I had a, uh, a meeting with that guy, that first client, and um told him I had this idea for a program And that, um, i wanted to do all this stuff and this and that. And he's like, well, when you're gonna do it? I talked to him a few times And, uh, i said, man, it just needs to be better than it is. I just gotta, you know, i gotta do some more work. And he's like, well, i can think of two people. It doesn't serve right now. And just like, hit me with that truth bomb. You know that happens.
Speaker 3:And uh, so we started it and since then we've, we've created stations and, um, i don't know how deep into it you want to get. It's, it's, it's a lot man, it has become a lot of things and it's all. And there's a reason for all that big roundabout conversation is it's all spawns from sitting with God, You know, and that's what. That's. What is is really so interesting about it is like it truly is not me, you know, i mean it is with my life experiences, but like it truly is about being a conduit.
Speaker 3:And allowing you know something bigger than us, to enter in Um and and and take some space, you know, in our lives and see what's really happening. You know what we're really doing, how, what we're really believing, who are affecting all these things.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that takes a lot to be receptive. receptive to uh enough to mean to hear that within your soul Um, when, um, how, when was your like, when, um, that's like as far as religious religions go, like when, when was that? have you always been a man of God?
Speaker 3:I was raised, uh, so my mom's Methodist, my dad's Catholic. They had a boxing match After I was born and and my mom won. I think my dad was taking the easy honors. So I was, i was raised Methodist, um, but, uh, you know, i had all these like I had some moments as a kid where, like I felt God's presence. You know, yeah, church was always kind of like a checkbox, and I hate but checked boxes. Just asked my wife, she hates that, i hate them. Um, but Years and years went by where I was just like doing my own thing, i didn't really care, i was just saying crazy stuff on stage because that was the character I developed.
Speaker 3:You know, it's like, right, you go to a horror movie, you want to want, you want to see a serial killer or a go or a demon or something in the horror movie and I was like the profoundly, you know, just wild dude. And so that's how I lived, you know, not my, not my everyday life, but it was like I would fill my head up with metal and just you know, which is fine, but I just didn't get a lot of positive outlet you know, because I was just developing that character.
Speaker 3:And, um, one day my wife is like I want to go to church And she was not. You know I'm in this. She hates when I tell the story, but when my oldest figured out that the tooth fairy wasn't real, she was like my wife's, like in tears. She's like we're gonna have to tell her all the stuff isn't real, like like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus and Jesus. You know, like I still have better about it, you know, but but you know. So this same woman's like I want to go to church and I'm like, and I'm like, man, what you on you know, like no, so I'm like you know.
Speaker 3:Anyway, I made fun of her for it. I'm not proud of it, but that's the truth. So I had to say it And she cried And I was like well, I'm, you know I'm an asshole, but I'm not that big of one. That's not what I wanted you know. So I apologized and was like let's go to church, like I'm going, and and it was the cliche, stereotypical I walked in and the pastor was like the room went dark, the spotlight went on me and the pastor was like I am being spoken to. You know, god is speaking through me, directly to you, in your trash.
Speaker 1:Take yourself out.
Speaker 3:You trash Yeah so That was probably 2016. Yeah, it was right. Right after quitting drinking alcohol, i think. When I quit alcohol in march, march 27th 2016 is when I quit cold therapy. It's funny.
Speaker 1:You start, you stop poisoning your body with that shit and the mind Ultimately comes around Uh to be, open to hearing that kind of shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, being present and uh and listening, um, i mean I don't wouldn't say like I'm like uh, huge, and I've said it before like I'm not, like I don't go to church every day, i'm not like um, but I am. I am religious, i do believe in God. So like when you said, like talking to God, um, i was with you until you said light in the bush on fire and I was just like I don't know, it sounds like Like a fire hazard, but whatever you know, People do their own thing.
Speaker 2:Oh sorry, She got his face.
Speaker 3:Go back and rewatch that.
Speaker 2:I'm clipping the shit.
Speaker 1:But, uh, but yeah, I do, just like I could, just I could sense what you were feeling, like, just uh, saying they're sitting And just being present, and just like uh, like, talk to me, you know, tell me, uh, what to do, tell tell me. And like I don't even know, like maybe I was doing that when this whole thing started and and kind of like What the next step is for us And and I'm not knowing it. Just because, uh, like a constant, like internal monologue I have with myself, uh, and maybe that's that too, maybe that's just how I, how I talk to God, or You know, whatever I see is I don't know how I call God, you know, because that's what it is.
Speaker 3:You just, i think it's like when you're in a solo journey, you know like you're off on your own Somewhere it doesn't have to be super long but you're just in silence for a little bit, you know, and you just kind of you stop like resisting. You know, like Really anything, you just you're like I am just here, i'm just presently in a chair And what is is you know, and I think that does it. You know, in the guild, guys will hear, like the way I talk or the way some of our other guys talking, but like so, is this a christian group? and the answer to that is yes, um, by nature, the fact that you know a christian has started it and we talk about God in it. However, we don't exclude Um on religion. You know what I mean unless you like come to us with some like super violent, like Yeah, obviously there's there's, there's parameters and we're not gonna get to them, you know, and it's like being respectful towards human beings I would imagine would be up there.
Speaker 3:Don't come to me church of euthanasia you ever hear about you guys, church, yeah, don't come to me church, church of euthanasia, because I'm gonna call you out, I'm gonna call you a liar, probably Tell you I don't believe you because this is who the person I am, you know. Um, however, it's like The thing is, i want you to come to the group and I want you to find. Here's a look As a Christian, right, the Great Commission, okay. So, yeah, is there evangelism to be done? Certainly right. And yet, if you tell me I got no interest in that, but what I will do is take the lessons of this group and I'll be a better husband, a better father and a better.
Speaker 3:You know the way I view it is, and there are Christians out there that will disagree with me. Right on you, that's your right. The way I see it is, the more better men we have in the world, the sooner we'll stop seeing a lot of these issues that we have, and so and I don't mean like the more better, like the more good men- right, The number of good men increases Yeah yeah, so commas and periods in the right places and all that.
Speaker 3:But yeah, you know, it's like the more good people out there the better, and so the thing is, I want you to come to the group, but I'm not going to placate my beliefs, to spare your feelings. Like, if you're somebody who can't find the positive message and what I say because you disagree with my religious beliefs, you're probably not the right fit for us. Right, because we're not going to ask you to placate us either. And if something that you value or believe is just so far out from our values, what does that say? to leave? Right, and it's no hate, you know what I mean. You just weren't the right fit, and that's it.
Speaker 1:It's crazy because I mean, i figured that's kind of what it was, because we actually we've been trying to start something kind of like to the same effect of just being like a small group of, in our case, just veterans, just trying to get through life and pooling resources.
Speaker 1:And then I just know, like in those situations, that's one thing that they try to. you know, like don't bring your politics. In your case it's different because it is, you know, a Christian based group. So like bring your religion but or don't, like you said. you know, and I think that's great and being receptive is huge, like you said, like don't come in here, and if you're so dead set on something that you can't be open to think that someone else might have a different perspective or a different a bit of knowledge on the situation, or something like that, then yeah, like you said, that's probably like it's interesting that you found yourself in that group of people in the first place, because you know, like it's clear that those people, those, those people want to help and those people want to look inside themselves and kind of take accountability of what they're doing, what they're not doing, what they can be doing better And yeah.
Speaker 3:so I mean, i think that's taking some taking some frequency and action to be a better person or or or just to be a good person in general. You know, i'll give you the secret sauce, man, it's spiritual mission, right? That's the thing. You know. Like we got a saying and I'm trying to curse less kids, show as Portnoy would say. But you know, the thing is we got the same. We say goals are bullshit, right, They're cool, do them. You know you should write goals.
Speaker 3:Yeah you should attempt to achieve things and challenge yourself, etc. But overall they're not. They're not super relevant.
Speaker 1:And the reason is for that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so that you know the hunter who chases two hairs will lose both, because he'll try to chase in both directions. So the way you fix that is when you create a spiritual mission, when you say, like you know, i have a mission to serve others. Right, that is my mission, the mission I am calling down on my life, that's what I'm going to do.
Speaker 3:And we got. We got a whole system that we teach guys to leverage, how to really like, outline this up and draw and basically create an atlas on how to, how to make this happen for for themselves. The baseline premise is I'm creating a spiritual mission of calling upon my life and all my goals are aligned with that. So I don't want a new truck because it makes me, you know, cool And it's got one of those weird magnets All the dudes are always trying to get with their vehicles. I can't know what they're called, but you know it's not about that anymore. If my life is about serving other people, i'm buying a truck because I'm going to take my family on cool vacations in it, because when my buddy wants to move, i'm not going to go what time? or say, yeah, what is it I got you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I got a truck and a trailer. I'll be there.
Speaker 3:Everything that I do and goals if I can help, it will be in line with the spiritual mission that I've written for my life. Right, and mine right now is leading men to mission and purpose. So if I buy a truck, you want to know why? Because I want a cool truck that I can put a cool decal on that guys are going to see and they're going to go. I want to know about the guy driving that truck and what that's all about And that's going to help me get guys to mission and purpose. That matters spiritually. It's not some bullshit role, that dice. I got two sevens and I'm stoked on myself now for like two days, and then the next and then, and then on the third day I want to kill myself again. Right, because I got PTS or I. You know, whatever my wife's leaving me or my you know, whatever problems I got. You know, just like. If that's the way you want to go, for it, just don't even set goals. You just buy shit on Amazon till you're broke.
Speaker 1:Yeah, same. thing.
Speaker 3:It is Kid show. Yeah, it really is.
Speaker 2:You're speaking to all those, you know, all those guys Stu like. you know, you know on your website, you know it says you know, really, really clearly, you know it's it's not the group or the guild is not specific or it's not, it's not just for veterans or first responders, but but what, what? what do you think in your, in your opinion, how do you think veterans and first responders, you know, magnetized towards, towards the guild? Why is that? why is that population so heavy within the community?
Speaker 3:I think we're back a little bit into Proxima, you know, like the first stations we ever do. The guys dub themselves the frozen chosen, because we went out and it was like negative temperatures, we were like on a river and it was like a whole big thing, you know, but those guys were all friends of mine And about 50% of the people that were there were were police of some sort, you know whatever, and I basically begged them. I'm really begged them. But I just said like Hey, like I want to do this program and I need people to show up when you just come to it and tell me if it sucks And it ended. And they were like my life has changed This Greg. He's one of the frozen chosen right there And you know, i just think like he just hit it. You know the, the like-mindedness of it.
Speaker 3:Like he said, there's just we have. so we have this other exercise, right, we call it Yanu because everybody likes an acronym and it stands for you are not unique And the idea of it is like yeah, your situations and the things that you face are unique, right To you, but you aren't unique in the fact that you're suffering. Everybody suffers.
Speaker 1:Right, right.
Speaker 3:And so I think that's the case. But but the thing is is everybody suffers the same way through the same emotions. We all have those same emotions and yeah, there are some uniquenesses and whatever, but at the end of the day, we aren't unique And I think that when, when guys like you know okay, here's one across the board that might blow your mind, maybe it won't. You want to know one of the most common feelings about sex that men have with their wives?
Speaker 3:They want sex from their wives, and their wives don't want it So they keep trying to get it. When they can't get it, then they feel like their wives think that they're molesters Really Right Across the board. That's a huge thing that guys will talk about when you get them in a place where it's safe to say it Yeah, Right, That. Because? because what happens is dudes, especially when you're like in your thirties or whatever and you're like really wanting to get at it you know you're like man, baby, come on, baby.
Speaker 3:You're like doing all these things or you're changing the way you are Yeah. Yeah, you know, or like you're trying, like maybe comedy will work tonight, maybe some, maybe some like back, kid You just, you just doing everything you can and and um maybe just being a good husband all the time will work all the time It doesn't, yeah, that's exactly what I do It works for you.
Speaker 2:No drought here.
Speaker 3:But, uh but no, you know the thing is, the thing is, uh, it's like I bring that up to say that that's across the board whether you're, you know, a first responder military, you know, um, you work in a normie silly job or whatever, um, but I think, i think mostly it's just, it's just proxemics, and I think that when you're in a super intense field, um, man, we just we just struggle in in in ways that that are really good.
Speaker 3:You know how you look at it. If you think it's the devil, right, like, our jobs make it super easy for the devil to get in on us. You know, if that's what you believe, um, because, like, like, i have a theory and hopefully a sudden piss a bunch of people off, and I have a theory about trigger break and suicide in the first responder and veteran community, and I think that it's because we get so close to death so often that it takes more for us to get the adrenaline spike. And I would be almost willing to bet that a vast that not a vast majority, but at least at least a good portion is due is accidental, maybe even right, like an unanticipated trigger break. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:What I'm trying to say.
Speaker 3:I'm not trying to discredit or take from people suffering. That's not what I'm doing. I'm saying that we strut like we need the intensity and we have it here in the guild. And so what happens is because we have this program that's that uh is safe and yet intense enough, and it just we're not going to PT you to death and we're not going to sit you down and play kumbaya with you all weekend either.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I think, guys, just it's just a place where they can come and talk through all that craziness And then, once a couple do, they're like dude, you need to go over and check this thing out that they're doing, because it's it's wild, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i think that's um. yeah, i agree with you there about the adrenaline, the um to call you, remember, call you real quick.
Speaker 1:No means. Alder said no means no, then you stop trying. Then she thinks you are interested in or more women are nuts Lol. And then his very next comment was I just got a notice from Facebook about that comment Like Hey man don't get this fucking canceled over here. Alder Jesus.
Speaker 3:No, you mean these standards, bro, right. You didn't read that email.
Speaker 1:They sent you when you signed up All the other things we say on here, and that's the one that gets us the first Facebook notice of women and nuts.
Speaker 3:But that was one thing. that that was one thing that came up in the group. You know another another time we had a um. so, basically, what stations is that you sign up? you come to this week and we don't charge these guys anything to go. We do it all through fundraising And, um, we used to charge like basically just cost. Now we're not doing it. Now we're offering training and educations to like companies, agencies, individuals and essentially teaching them all the lessons we teach at stations so they can use them in their business.
Speaker 3:But when you come there, you got this crazy intense weekend where we point, we make you see what it is that's going on in your head And, um, you know, in that Yannu circle we were talking about, one guy raised his hand one time and said man, i have suicidal thoughts and all 13 men present raised their hands to the point that we like had this and that was like a full. I think that one was like all first responders are military And, uh, we like had to stop and be like okay, like I mean, i just remember looking and looking around the room and being like this is a problem.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And we, like just straight up, were like stations is paused.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because we're going to have a conversation and we had we talked through a bunch of stuff and it took us about an hour. We probably broke from the protocol and just sat and talked through that And then it was like, okay, take, take five and come back and we're, and we're back in the work. Um, but yeah, man, it's just, it's across the board, you know, and it's not just, it's not just first responders, you know, it's men in general, and a lot of it is because of that spiritual mission aspect. You know, we're called to leave our houses, to to lead and and and hunt and and provide and do all these different things animalistically, and we don't get a lot of that drive now And I think I think it's just in men. And then now we're also in this like interesting stage and this is not a take from women, but we're in an interesting stage now where women are sort of finding their, their um, how do I say this? What I'm not saying is that they were invaluable in the marketplace before.
Speaker 3:I think that women are finding that they are very valuable in the marketplace and and they are like, they're like taking that respect, you know, and so a lot of women are stepping up more and there's like, and there's just there's just different things occurring that I think the reality is. I think men are are making victims of themselves about it and acting like little boys. And women are mothering them and women are mothering them.
Speaker 2:I agree with you 100% Yes, yeah, yeah, i would say that Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm glad you said that I guess, yeah, well, i mean in my house, specifically, like I had to. Well, not had to, but my wife makes more money than I ever will, so you know there was like it wasn't even a question. Um, whenever she was, you know we're like, hey, we don't have daycare, so like, all right, you know it is what it is. I'm here with my kid, that's what I gotta do. It's not just like a, you know, like it's. It took a little bit to, i guess, swallow that pill of being like I'm not like the main provider, but it doesn't mean I can't provide is what I ultimately came to.
Speaker 3:Can I ask? can I ask you? and people get annoyed with me for this Cause. I do tend to cut people off. I apologize. I'm gonna ask you this Will she always make more money than you? Is that is that true?
Speaker 3:I mean, i don't know, maybe Like you see what we do though I only point that out because, like I do the same things I actually thumbs you up and pointed at myself And I like thought I was like, well, that's not true necessarily. You know, like this, this Podcast you're doing, may blow up and be. You know, the next Joe Rogan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean that would be dope. That's not the goal. But I mean, if it happens, I'm along for that ride too.
Speaker 3:We're floating around on a tiny rock in the never-expanding universe, trying to act like shit is scarce. Yeah, it just ain't true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, one day, one day, this podcast will, will feed my family, but until then I'll just keep waiting till tomorrow, until my phone rings and I get this job. But you know what? like, just even sitting there thinking about it tonight, i'm like I know I'm gonna get it because it aligns with the values that I've Like started moving forward like I don't want to work in like a kitchen's no more. I want to like I want to be of like real service to people. So that's what the job is basically. And then it really aligns with this Podcast and just everything else, being a better an advocate, basically.
Speaker 1:So Tomorrow I'll find out yes or no. I'll find out yes tomorrow, and then hopefully, my, my training is on my birthday. So That's pretty dope. That's. That's where the big sign is, like it's gonna happen. Because it's on my birthday, it's gotta happen. If not, i don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'll find something. I Just I got arthritis in both of my hands and I'm tired of All day. Yeah, like a wake up in the morning and I'm like I mean that's never gonna stop. But you know, thank you, yeah, pretty congratulations, i like.
Speaker 2:You know, the one thing, one thing that like that's gonna stick with me, like With this episode, is that that y'all knew you are not unique. I've. I dig that just because I mean that was a whole consensus of our podcast was just show everybody that like we're all the same Like and like you said before, like we, you know we may, you know our, we may go through different things as veterans and, you know, in the journey of mental health, but we are, like, all of us Go through the same things. Am I making sense? But you know that was, yeah, that was a whole catch of the not catch, but that was a whole purpose behind in the mission of of The veteran chat project was just sit down and you know, talk with talk with guys, you know service members, first responders, you know veteran, veteran spouses, active duty spouses, and just let everyone know like, hey, we're all in the same spectrum here. Tragedy is tragedy, unfortunately, but it binds us together. I did that, i dig that you're. You are not unique.
Speaker 3:So my, my brother-in-law, he messaged me a while back and was like hey, man, i'm just I'm trying to figure out where I fit in, cuz the guilds been growing and we're got, we've got a lot of like Military, you know, we got a lot of gun job guys.
Speaker 3:Yeah what we call. A lot of guys like that carry guns for a job, you know, and It's like I'm just trying to figure out, like, where I'm at and I'm like dude. You like you got to realize like it's what I love most about mixing in guys that have never done that is one. I was one of those dudes most of my life. I didn't have the 18, 19 year old You know in for, however, it was like not till I was 34. I think when I you know got in But, uh, you know, i was in the old man's club and in the academy, you know, um, but I'm like having People around. So when we're like, when we're like in our group and we're talking about how we prepare for a vacation, selecting like what gun we're gonna bring, whether or not we need to bring like an iFAC, whether or not like, you guys do that you guys do that shit or you're like what all do I need to pack out?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I do those mental notes.
Speaker 3:Yeah yeah, yeah, I do that or you're like, you're like checking the weather. You're like, okay, so when you prepare ourselves, because the the weather is gonna be like, you know, like this, we're gonna have heat and everybody needs to start drinking water tonight because we're gonna be too hot, you know, like, whatever it is that we, we do this little brief, you know, and and we like We take it a little overboard. And I think it was Tim Kennedy that I saw say something. You know, i hate or love that guy. I, i like I think he's fun to listen to, but he was talking about how he carries only a knife. Sometime I think it was him, um, and the thought process behind it was like, if you always carry a gun, you always think about You get caught in the echo chamber of a gun.
Speaker 3:So it's, it's always like, you know, double hand the shirt to the armpit, sweeping motion, you know to the center of the chest and punch out, however you it, however you, whatever you know sector of tactics that you subscribe yourself to whatever you're gonna do it the same way every time And it's like but if you leave that gun behind a day and you just carry an edge weapon, you know And you have to think, think a different way when you're out and about right like it shakes it Yeah you gotta, you gotta think differently.
Speaker 3:And that is the same, i think, the fact that we get, when we have, like you know, sivvy, dudes that are that are in the group and guys are sharing and whatnot and they're telling their stories, and You know, i'll give you another quick analogy. My wife says my wife grew up in a drug house. She doesn't like to tell a story. She lets me tell it. Right, i won't get too far into it. She grew up in a drug house.
Speaker 3:She wound up getting a doctorate Right, which I, which I am like super impressed by, yeah that's um, so, um, i think that just That's part of the reason why I do the job I do, just because of her experiences, are just so impressed by. But she says The saving grace for her is the man that she calls her dad, chris, and the ladies calls her mom Rhea, that they showed her, and a couple other people as well, but they showed her. They ended up adopting her and her sister and they showed her what normal families looked like, and So it was like from that perspective, but she was able to see That like okay. So the things that I'm experiencing are outside of what a normal, you know person without my experiences would would have, and so I can reframe that, so you know. So it took me a while to openly say that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like, for a time, before I got it under control, i couldn't have fans on at night because the white noise affects my ear and I would hear people yell. I would like literally hear screams from car accidents or whatever in my ear, just weird stuff, and it doesn't make me crazy, doesn't make me unfit for duty, it doesn't you know all these things, but I would just hear them, and so to be able to like talk to people about how that affects me or different things and whatnot. And to get somebody who's like Never been in that seems counterintuitive. But what actually I find is that it helps me remember that, like, life is not always the way that that I'm seeing it now. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, i think it's, i think it's just a good, it's been a good thing to mix that, that element in, i think, and to remember like, yeah, we're not unique, we all suffer in the same, you know the same way, and yet, you know, i'm not really like, i'm not in my, this echo chamber, i guess is all I'm trying to get at with that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, that answers my like I had. I was gonna ask you that question or this question later on, but the whole you know, you know when we do, we do the podcast, we talk. You know I think we've we talked to over or about 20 different bet veterans. Some of them, most of them, are good friends and you know good friends of ours. But You know what we've, what we've noticed, kyle and I, you know, just talking with different people and just you know, having them tell their stories. It helps us Because you know we're we're still, we're still trying to heal ourselves also, but it helps us and you know, i think you answer. I was gonna ask you if you know You're a mentor now. You've been doing it for, you know, for years and years. Do you still find that? do you still find opportunities to help yourself while you're mentoring?
Speaker 3:Oh brother I'm yeah, i'm sweating right now like I'm. I'm having a full body sweat right now, like as we talk, not terrible, but that's one of the things like my first year I actually thought I'm gonna stop copping, like I'm not cut out for it, and Essentially the first year that I was on if it was traumatic and bad, it happened while I was working. I mean, like there was a point blank murder like right after Right two weeks out of field training. It was like my thing, you know, whatever it yeah.
Speaker 3:The point is and that's like I'm not unique cops and military guys experience crazy stuff all the time, like no one escapes it. You know, firefighters, ems people, social workers, dfa, all these, like so many people see crazy stuff, traumatic stuff.
Speaker 3:And so in my experience that first year, i didn't realize that I was getting all of it Right, or at least at least the majority, until a sergeant of mine at the time Jokingly made the comment like oh, stewart had a really tough year And I was like, oh, i like, i was like, i did Like it was like it was like hope dude. Like yeah.
Speaker 3:I was like, oh my god, because I was about beat myself up. I'm like a year in and I'm already having these weird symptoms. I was like calling myself names, like basically just being like you're weak, you know, you're not gonna, you can't amount. Look at, look at you.
Speaker 3:You did all this work and whatever and you came and make it a year without like You know, like straight up yeah that's the honest to God truth, and I remember after this, really, really like I got one that was super, super difficult and I was mad at myself for being sad about it. I Really well like I like I'm feeling it right now. It's like you're gonna be sad about this. It didn't happen to you, it happened to them.
Speaker 3:Hmm you know you selfish, like all this, all these things. And I remember my wife asking me Do you want to cancel vacation? I said no, i don't want to do that. And she goes. Okay, i was like why would we cancel vacation? She's like, well, i just I don't know and we don't have to. You think you'll stop getting up and crying in the shower anytime soon? and Again, like that was another. I always get hit with these like feedback bombs and I'm like.
Speaker 3:But I'm blessed enough that God has put people in my life that remind me of that stuff. You know, not everybody has that and So, yeah, when I'm, what I'm currently noticing now is the visceral effects that I get. So I've gotten pretty good control over my brain. I would go to, like Jocko calls it default aggression right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would get that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, i would get that. But I would go to like anger, yeah, I mean so whenever there was like a problem to solve, like no matter what the problem was bigger, small, it was like life altering, mm-hmm, you know. or like I would get home, my wife would be upset about a glass and I would be like I just came from a rollover.
Speaker 3:You know, whatever you care about a glass, like in my head, i wouldn't be screaming at her. Yeah, i'm like had a really hard time separating those. So now I'm in a pretty good space mentally where I don't do that as much. But I noticed that, like my, i'm seeing the things my body does, you know, when I go into that constant firing of the amygdala. And so I noticed, like When my wife and I argue the, i see a therapist. You know I suggest it to anybody a good one, make sure they got experience, they understand Some things.
Speaker 3:But She told me she said, you know when your wife, when, when your wife gets mad at you, do you realize that you might be like acknowledging that it's just an argument in your head, but your body is positioning as if you were like getting ready to get for a fight for your life, like like as if you like pressed into a house and got cornered up on a closet and you went to IVF and found some dude in there, you know, and you now you got to deal with some guy hiding under a clothes pile in a closet when her fees got a gun. She's like your body treats the situation the same way And I kind of was like no, what? Yeah, and then at first, and then we got an argument and I and I noticed like yeah, i got taller, like kind of like you know like Front-facing enemy, kind of over the toes a little bit, and I kind of like waited a little and I started wanting to control my space, and That was the first time I realized that to the praying hand Everything.
Speaker 3:I'm finding my. I'm finding my firearm over here with my elbow, like not to pull it But just to acknowledge that it's there and keep it safe. I'm just like I'm noticing all the things that are occurring and that was the first time that I really realized, like what I do to my wife Because of my experience.
Speaker 3:I haven't been on very long right, and so I'm a firm believer that we all get it. You know like we have to pay attention to what's going on in our minds and our bodies and we have to share to other people. You know we have to become aware of our posture, you know, oh yeah and.
Speaker 3:Because here's my wife that just wants to see me happy and healthy and and just being loved together and whatever. And you know, she reminds me to empty the dishwasher. Or you know One thing, on the way to vacation I like had a stopper and say like stop, give me direction. And She's like, you know, like cuz I just like I just went to that space that we go to.
Speaker 3:But yeah, i'm rambling now Because I know there, but you understand you understand what I mean Yeah, that's, that's just the way it is for us and we and we can work through that And it's not, it does. it's not a defeating thing, it's just a different thing, you know, yeah.
Speaker 2:That I actually did that to my wife, i think last week or two weeks ago, i can't remember. She said something to me and I was like I just posture. I was like hey, it's not telling what to do, yeah, but like I mean looking like it came out, if it came out so naturally when I said it. but You know she, she perceived it just like Yeah, you're like yeah, like I'm an asset in critical.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's kind of like that, right. Yeah, in that moment I was like what the fuck like? what did I look like just then when I said that? and you know, of course I apologize.
Speaker 2:Yes, like an ass, The um Stu. I mean you get, how do like, how does I get like I get like I get like I get like I get like, i get like I get like I get like. I mean you get, how do like, how does how does somebody join the fellowship or or get in contact with the fellowship or the guild?
Speaker 3:So you can go to guild fellowship, calm, and there's there's four buttons on The bottom if you scroll down. There's four buttons on the bottom of the page. It is the whole website's designed to. It'll take you to whichever where you want to go fairly easily, i hope yeah.
Speaker 3:Um, but there's a couple of actions you can take. So, excuse me, you can be a community partner, and what that looks like is Somebody who just kind of wants to spread the word, or wants to donate, or maybe wants to hire, uh, us to come out as a keynote or for, you know, for an actual training. You can become what's called the contributing member, and that is a person that contributes Um, a small financial amount and then, and then we put you in like small groups. Um, we put you in, we give you like quarterly content to work through, we do meetings online and in person and all these different things. That's kind of like a thank you for contributing.
Speaker 3:Yeah um, or You can, you can message us and You can apply for stations. And if you apply for stations and whatnot, we'll look at it, we'll reach out to you and We'll throw you in and it just it's that fast that we have a stations. I go check my phone because We got I got a buddy of mine helping, helping me run this thing and he keeps me very busy, so I'm having a hard time remembering my dates. One second End of End of September it is September 29, 30th, and October 1st is the next interim for stations. And so, basically, if you're a man on here and you're like And you're serious about doing the work and being a man of service and and being an asset, you can message us or fill out that application and we'll arm on board you. It'll be like that you're in, you'll attend and it won't cost you anything, you know.
Speaker 2:This is so cool. I mean, this is so to me is this because I'm looking at the website as you're navigating through it verbally, but this is palpable, like that. Like you know, i'm just gonna read this description right, like what is stations? stations is a deep dive into what you believe And how you live. Menu complete stations can expect a new look on life, a higher drive to pursue it and clear system to leverage. That's. This is cool, dude.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then we can do another episode afterwards dude.
Speaker 2:This is Yeah, i've had a. This is so weird man. I've had such a down day like you're not not not to get all do me blue. I just today, just one of those days, i just like my boot was empty all day. I don't know because I was coming back from vacation and working all day sat at the desk. But just like looking through this web, this your website, just like Just reading it, fills my boot up. This is sick.
Speaker 3:Yeah, bro, i would love to have you, you know, fill out that application guy. Yeah and join us. We got we got spots open up to 10 for that. I think we got three guys on or two guys on already for that date.
Speaker 3:We do a multiple times a year, and so what's cool about stations is so that first weekend is like a full-blown. I Mean it is in and of itself like you can get a lot from that. And then what happens after it is we try to get guys to on board on To be in contributing members, which helps you give an understanding of like okay, i'm paying it forward Like it would take you 10 years to be a contributing member to even cover what You know.
Speaker 3:That class, that full class, should be worth you know what I mean Like we're not even asked if we just want to give guys a sense of like, contributing to it, and it helps. It helps us keep the ball rolling. We're trying to build this thing. We are building this thing to where this can become a full-time thing, to where we're a full-time just out there serving man That's a nasty and and women we're gonna branch out to where we're gonna recently talked about helping to teach women.
Speaker 3:Get some experience on what it's like how to support a man who's attempting to live a spiritual mission And then also bring some female facilitators saying that can you know, come up with course Material that's that's beneficial to women, because I I got no business telling women what to do. I try with my wife doesn't work, but So you do that. You do that first week in the stations and so then what we have is we call it, we call it evil two and evil three, right, and so what happens is, after you go through that first, that first weekend, that's really all about teaching you like how life has affected what you believe and how you show up or how you've allowed it to. Then you can choose to come back and we put you through a whole system Where we teach you how to write goals to spiritual mission and how to like live, how to actually live the lifestyle.
Speaker 3:Yeah so that first weekend you're like, okay, i'm gonna write a spiritual mission for my life and see where I'm at, see what's not working for me and change it. And then that If you decide to continue with the work, we'll give you a system to leverage Right and so you can look at like this is how I live my life and whatnot. And then When you go into evil three, we will, we will bring you back on and you become a cadre And so we will teach you how to study the men, see what's in them that was in you, see how you are not unique and see the guy who's entering the work, and you, and so a lot of these guys would be like do.
Speaker 1:Technical difficulties. Go you mutin, let me unmute him.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's tail.
Speaker 3:Got it.
Speaker 2:There we go.
Speaker 3:Yeah, sorry about that.
Speaker 2:They did.
Speaker 3:But yeah, so you come back as a cadre and these guys will be like dude I am, i Am watching myself From, like I'm looking in the eyes of my own self, and so then, of course, the men that they're there serving are like blown away. They're like how did that guy know me so well? It's like he don't know you, my dude, he knows himself. Yeah you're the one that, and you're the one that he sees himself in, so he can speak directly to you. And it's just Dude, it's just so, it's that's powerful.
Speaker 1:Dude, i come home crazy dude. Oh sorry a day.
Speaker 3:No, you're good, it just charged up. I'm done, go ahead.
Speaker 1:It's just wild to me, like somebody said a while back. I heard like, like, if you think of something in your head And then you act on it, you know like you're like, like, for instance, me just being like you know what, like I think Stu would be awesome on our show. I haven't talked to him in forever. I wonder if he would do it. And that was just like you know what. Let me. Let me just shoot this message out real quick before I go on what I'm doing. You know I could have That and just been like nah, you know, i feel like I made a let him down in the past when, because I was on on part of that, that coaching program that he was doing and And I just kind of didn't finish or follow through. But that was also like Me, me being very early on and looking for help outside of what I thought I could give myself.
Speaker 1:So So I do apologize for that, but And back back to that, just being like you know, i'm over here trying to think of ways to do kind of what you're doing and like, as I'm talking, and I was like why don't I just, you know, just Team up and do and get in there and do and learn everything I can and and help yeah, bro something that's doing it, because It's like look what you know. I was here sometimes in my head like boy look what God just did, you know yeah.
Speaker 3:All the time in my head what, what, if, what if the day that you Send me that message, you saw a post that I put up that I was reluctant to post or maybe I like it and typically lazy in that day I just did? you know, it's like all the, all the syncopations of the world, you know, and this man, there's a book called cells and prophecy about that, but or at least partially. But yeah, i mean Tyler and I, he posted our email.
Speaker 1:I think you shared it.
Speaker 3:Worship, calm. That dude takes care of business. Love you, tyler. But yeah, lost. My train thought, oh, warriors just sent. So he and I are getting ready to go do warriors and sent in in August And that's a. That's a similar thing, but their focus is on PTSD and we're like up front with them. It's like, hey, i think that everybody that works crazy jobs or has that trauma or you know whatever, like you do not get to be in the Occupation that we have and escape it like it's just like.
Speaker 3:Let's get over it. You know PTSD, whatever I know we're bouncing around with. Whether or not we call it PTSD, i'm a fan yes. But you don't escape it. And so we've been open with them, like, hey, we want to come to your program because we think it's gonna be beneficial to us, but also we're hoping that we will learn something that we can take back to our program and maybe we can save somebody's life.
Speaker 3:You know I believe that we're already doing that, but let's do, let's do a better job. You know, yeah, something I steal from my wife. So there's another thing. She's part of a group called AMC that's for chiropractors, and They, they manage, you know, teach chiropractors how to run their businesses and so much more. But one of her mentors, dr Owen, he would always say just one more, god, just one more. That was this thing. Like I'll go to a, i'll go to a crowd of three people and talk. If that's what it takes, just give me one. I'm gonna just get one. You know, essentially what I'm saying is sign up and come and learn and share it and do it. And, you know, let's keep guys above ground.
Speaker 3:Yes and women do what. You know what I mean, because that's, because that's the very real life when I talked to The team or when I think about, like you know, like the wage of failure of all This is kind of like intense, but that's just how I am. The wage of failure for our two missions is death. You know, hey guys, running a podcast, someone in here that you maybe doesn't even know, that's watching right now, that you don't realize, is like Surviving or maybe has survived one thought or whatever because of the things that you guys are doing, and that's powerful, that's proximity, you know, or just getting on and being willing to say like, yeah, some some nights I Don't get to go to sleep or you know, whatever, and just being willing to say it and to obey, avoid all the like.
Speaker 3:Oh Well, my service didn't equate to this guy's service, you know, like, like, yeah, i have kind of a crazy job, but I'm not getting in gunfights. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:I go out. I'm not in gunfights going out, i'm just like waiting on the pop every time to go out.
Speaker 3:Which is all you know what I mean, yeah, which is, yeah, very stressful games with myself and be like, oh well, you know, like I don't deserve To to acknowledge what I'm feeling because my service doesn't equate to this person's service. So then you got a co in the jail that sees me who, just like Washington, like try to slip hang himself or did see a guy slip Hang himself, you know what I mean That gets depressed or whatever, and then in MF himself and goes, oh I know Stu does this work, but I'm not gonna reach out because he, because that would be selfish, because my service doesn't amount to his service. It's all bullshit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is.
Speaker 3:You know what I mean. Or just a regular old dude, regular old dude who's you know family member was abusive or drunk or crazy, you know whatever. But well, i wasn't in the military So I can't talk to that dude because you know my experience doesn't amount. We got to stop that.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's.
Speaker 2:That's pilot, in my opinion, like that's, like. That's the first big barrier when it comes to like the, the stigma of like mental health, when it comes to vets and stuff. Like you had it, you know, and we've talked about a little bit before, just, but just, you know, just letting our audience know like, hey, like we, all, you all matter, everyone matters, just the whole. Like you know, yeah, you know, i served only. I hate the word only. I mean that was something I got taught in nursing school.
Speaker 2:Oh, only is a bad adjective when you're trying to describe someone, because it's limiting, it's saying like only I only serve four years. Like you only, like no, you, you served four years. I mean you, you know. Like, you know I didn't deploy, you know I just I only did this, i only do this for a living. But you know, you know I don't want, i don't want to talk about really, but you know it's just, yeah, i don't, i Don't like that. I agree with you in the fact that like it's, it shouldn't be a thing, it should be a limiting factor about like what you did, like what you know, what you do for a living trauma like I said before, trauma is trauma and the you know.
Speaker 2:The best way to navigate trauma or the effect after effects of trauma, in my opinion, is to talk about it.
Speaker 3:You ever heard of somebody compared to metabolism?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:So, like you, put three of your best friends in a room, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm all ice cream. You know one of them is gonna eat the whole pint and nothing's gonna happen to him. You know he'll be slowed down because of the short. He'll have the effects of the fact that he ate ice cream. Right.
Speaker 3:Yeah cuz, like that's just the way it is. You know you're gonna get affected by the ice cream and then guy in the center is gonna have like a pretty average, like yeah, that's the way that goes. And then this guy over here Maybe he's like dairy intolerant and he's gonna swell up and he's gonna whatever, and they And they all maybe didn't even eat the same amount of ice cream, right, but they all got the appropriate effect, or who and how they are that was. That was something that somebody and I might be butchering it, but I heard that one time and I was like, you know, like there are people out there that like for them, like You know, like seeing the one thing, the one time you know And I'm trying not to like get into the dark details of it to make it like make sense for people but like seeing something traumatic the one time they'll remember, like a Feature of the body or a certain specific movement or a smell, or, like I was gonna say, smell.
Speaker 1:Yes, sound or something.
Speaker 3:It only really takes time I mean, it only really takes one To plan a seed and be stuck, and then you start growing this like this weed in your head. Yeah, where it's like some other cat might. He doesn't even realize he's f'd up until he retires.
Speaker 2:You know, I mean no, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Then he's, then he stops moving and it's like You know, like you ever seen that that adventure time meme, where it's like a I think it says like it when a cop looks, you know, spends time in his own head, and it's like the tube car Going into, like a cave for, like demons, and it's like oh, I don't remember there being this many demons in here.
Speaker 1:Clean this shit out.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's kind of like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they, there's a. We talked about it like way back when one of our earlier podcasts, but it being like a train, especially when you said like the 20 year guys Like every every event is a car that adds to this train That's moving at fucking light speed. Because I mean like you said. I Mean you did well, mean about and you did what seven years in the army and that shit what. Not an half nine and a half Done. Okay, get it right, motherfucker.
Speaker 1:No so you know, like nine and a half years, boom gone, just like that and the speed of light. And then all of a sudden you know you're out of the army or you're out of the uniform or you're out of, you're no longer a firefighter or whatever that that job is. And Then you're like you said, now you're sitting with your thoughts and, like that, those train cars are still going light speed but the train stop going, you know. So everything is catching up, basically and that's where, like, people kind of like lose their shit, lose their bearings After, and that's kind of.
Speaker 1:I think where we started this whole thing from is, like that, taking the uniform off and then what, what do people do with it, with their life afterwards, and stuff like that. But There's not really a lot of like people that are taking care, talking about like taking care of themselves while they were uniform either. That's definitely something I just thought of. It's like there's no. No, there's no like space for active duty, because I got feel like, even if, like if there was something like this for active duty, like if someone found, like someone in your unit found out like you were on veteran chat project talking about your feelings, he's like they're gonna thrash you.
Speaker 3:Like the army is. I talk about it enough. Well, yeah, the army, i'm sure it's different. I talk about it enough to where, like them guys know, like they probably want me to shut up sometimes, because usually when. I'm done Not talking about mine. I'm like, so what about you? You're crazy, I'm good.
Speaker 1:So you haven't accepted that you're nuts yet. Okay, i'll be here.
Speaker 3:But that's you know. That's the thing, like I think. I think the times are changing and I think that that is a positive. We can leverage from the softness of society, right that like Society is softening up Colleagues, departments and the military and all these like tough guy jobs. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And yet it doesn't all have to be negative but we can leverage that for good. I think you know what I think is one of the biggest, most dangerous things in mental and And just in living in general, is The misunderstanding of the word victim.
Speaker 3:Yeah that is. That is a huge one And I will say I had some apprehension and some in some like fears, of talking about this and like I Will talk to a lot of mental health professionals you know I probably shouldn't say a lot but like I often will be speaking to like people in mental health and You know my view of it is like Society as a whole, like mental health and the medical field, everything's a market. You know what I mean. Any any functioning industry as a market. And if the people in your market are telling you they don't want to be told that They have to eat a certain Hours and whatever, the next best thing is to sell them a pill instead of advice.
Speaker 3:Yeah right, so I can sell you words and advice for the panic view of your life and Treat you like a coach, or I can, or or if you don't like that, i can say a pill, and And when things get easier, people select that and so I think in mental health It can be similar to where I think, for a lot of years we, we tell people to embrace the role of them And now we get in a weird spot. So what I do, i'll say. So if a woman goes to a bar and gets hammered drunk with with a skirt, no underwear, passes out in an alley and gets raped to.
Speaker 3:She a victim And so of course everybody thinks that I'm trying to take that Like to where. I'm gonna say, like it was her fault She should. You know what I mean. Cuz the way I think that's only goes there, like yeah, oh yeah, you know I'm like well, hold on, wait a second and then of course now they're like kind of offended cuz now they really think I'm gonna go that way and I'm like, no, definitely victimized, definitely victimized.
Speaker 3:So then I tell my wife's story. Right, and I might be giving this away. So I mean, whatever conversations you're gonna get, this lesson You're gonna be like I already nobody's talking about. So you have a head up. But, um, i'll tell my wife's story And I'll get real intense and I'll look at it and I'll say Is my wife a victim? She that week, that's what her identity is, because Victor, you're you're using a noun here And and of course now, they have to see me face to face, wanting to defend my life, and I have to like, and so now it's like they're like.
Speaker 3:So this is the two counterfeelings, right so?
Speaker 3:yeah that's when people start to see and it's like, okay, so it's not, victim is an noun, it's a verb, it's just something that is done to, it's a something that is done to us and then something we do to ourselves. Yeah, right, yeah, so Having been victimized will never change. That is, that's written in history. That's what it is. You have been victimized, you're a survivor of victimization, but like you know how it's, like You know you're talking about leaving the military. I that you were trying about like how crazy that is, whatever, i'm the same thought, copping, like and all the things that like how would I fill my cup in that way? and like whatever, and it's very hard, become cool like part of who I am. Right, i have to like be careful not to embrace it too much as my identity.
Speaker 3:Good friend of mine, aaron Clark, that was a homicide detective A long time before I started Academy, him and I met up. We trained some New Jetsu and he told me don't drink the Kool-Aid. That was the advice he gave me and never forgot it. He said you're you're. You are not a cop. You do cop shit, but you're not a cop. So okay, you know, and so I look at that and so I bring that all up.
Speaker 3:It's relevant because, with victim, when you embrace that for so long, it's hard to understand who you'll be when you stop embracing it. Right, when you start saying I am fully responsible and sovereign for the, for the success and the achievement and the Happiness and joy and liberty and usage of my liberty, right, it's hard to, it's hard to predict the unknown. It's really easy to predict the bad shit. That's what we think about all the time. So it's like, well, that's easy to predict, so that's the route I'll take. And maybe I'll like stand on the edge. I've not one to suffer fully, i'll just kind of like do some good stuff, you know. But when we, when we realized like oh man, i am treating victim like a noun and I'm become like I'm allowing myself to, be, that would never retire from it.
Speaker 3:You know, hopefully that made sense, but I did. But I think that is the most dangerous thing that we face is is One, it's hard to not be a victim in two, you know secretly what's fun, what's like ironic about it all is like so many people were really all out there, like Finding ways to make life easier by embracing like victimhood right and.
Speaker 3:We all hate victims. We might say we don't like, we might like protect them here and there and whatever, but in reality, like when you really Really a full-bodied and embodied person who's like, you know, like I'm Do anything because of all my things, and I'm not saying all all people who have been victimized or that way, i'm saying you're the extreme to the game of a victim.
Speaker 3:Right, that is not a person you would like, but you know who you do really like if you think about it underdogs, you love a person who got, who had some bad stuff happen, that like blew up after and look, when I told you my wife got a doctor, it It's like, oh, that's the beauty of it is, that's how you get out of it, by realizing that, like the world will be stoked for you when you quit drinking alcohol. The world will be stoked for you when you step up and say I had PTSD, really bad and Couldn't, could barely leave my house. And now I do X, y and Z or you know I'm not saying that's just for you, but but just if it was, you can say, yeah, i could barely my house or whatever. And I do this podcast where I'm helping people or whatever. Like that's rad. Yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we're awesome and the world loves that stuff. So it's that's, it's like the, it's the fork in the road. You know, like do I want? do I want to try to force concession from the world by telling it that like it's been unfair to me, or do I want to ask the world to give me more, because I can handle it, because I am a person of peaceful violence? You know what I mean, Yeah it's like it's what it is, you know like they say, better to be a what?
Speaker 1:is it better to be a Warrior in a garden than a gardener in a water?
Speaker 3:It's so true it is to.
Speaker 1:That's. That's where I'm at right now, like I'm definitely a warrior in the garden, you know. Just I'm right. You know it's still there, it's always gonna be there. You know, and I think you know, as we wrap this thing up, you know, like I Like I always catch myself not looking for shit, but like Preparing for shit to happen. Like in my head I'm like escape routes. What would I do if, you know, someone came in this restaurant right now? What would I do? You know, how would I protect my family? And you know, it's like you don't even think about this in which There's an episode on.
Speaker 1:There's an episode on real ones, where they there was a shooting in a nightclub in Colorado Springs and the guy that that fought the gunman lived and told his story on the podcast and Just like how he went, just like it was just a normal night. And then, all of a sudden, you know It's like the worst night of his and everybody in this nightclub's life. I Think a few people died, especially like people with him and then other people, but I think it was like at like a gay bar or you know something like that. So like it was.
Speaker 1:No, it was in Colorado Springs. There's another one. It was. It was something like that too. Same kind of deal, though I could hate, hate kind of you know bullshit, yeah, so I mean it. Just, you know you think about like, sometimes, like I think do I overthink what could happen, do I overthink these situations? But then you hear a story like that and you're like no, like never stop planning, but also like be your, i don't know.
Speaker 3:I got.
Speaker 3:My wife stop want to go to church. My wife stop want to go to church with me because when we first started going to the church that we go to now, they had a safety team and it was made up in some cops. I'm off in a You know in this cop didn't know me And uh, he sees like he's like picking up a little bit of a silhouette, and he comes over and he like, peacefully, he's like, hey, you know, churches are protected location, you can't carry your firearm here. And I go, oh, that's no problem, brother, you know whatever, and I kind of give him a flash, the badge Oh man, i'm sorry, of course. Then it's like you want to join the safety team, you know.
Speaker 1:And so I'm like yeah.
Speaker 3:So I'm like yeah, you know like, but wife's like, you know, she, she told me once she wanted to church anymore. and I'm like what's going on, you know? And she's like I don't like going to church. I'm like why she said you don't go to church to work, you go to church to secure it So everybody else can worship, you know and uh. Another one of them truth bombs.
Speaker 3:I'm Thank you but, uh, you know, i thought about it and it's like you know, it's like I give you another example We're getting ready to go to Guatemala. We were supposed to go And, uh, our trip to Washington. A bunch of other like god moments have happened since then. It's just like clear to us now, like why we didn't go. But We are going again, actually going.
Speaker 3:We have all these meetings and There's some involvement with, like, local law enforcement doing some testimony for there and there, and that's kind of our role, the guild jumping in the mix and it and all this And just kind of hoping, you know, maybe with some leadership things to some different elements that they have in there with what we do. And You know, i started noticing that like me and Tyler um were, or Tyler and I were talking like a lot about the security, like do we realize, you know, we're flying in on the day of an election, do we? you know all these different things, um, and ended up like telling the guys who's running there like They're hey, look, we're gonna ask you to like watch us right.
Speaker 3:Yeah and if and if the Sentinel side of us is taking too much from our relationship with God, stop us, yeah, and like, bring us back. It's really easy to follow that, you know, and because it's an important role, so it's easy to justify doing too much of yeah you know what I mean. Yeah um, and then I, and then I segwayed and said but If I ever look at you while we're on this trip And and I'm like Grab your stuff, we're leaving, like We're leaving grab your stuff, we're leaving.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, he's like.
Speaker 3:Yep, i mean they're all like in agreement. You know it's like hey man, we really need to. So that's what I've been trying to do with that. When you bring it up, i had a moment today in a target in Gulf Shores, alabama. I was shopping on the other side of the store and I and my kid and I had a random thought, just like you're talking about, like What if I start hearing the pop pops?
Speaker 1:Yeah you know like what would I do right now?
Speaker 3:Oh my, my left hand is gonna come in front of my daughter's chest. I'm gonna come down the shirt, get as much of the shirt as I can on my way to the belt line So I can get shirt and belt and I'm gonna lift your little ass off there And we're going backwards to the edge of the store till I hear where they're coming from. I'm gonna get her secured and I'm gonna have to push forward and try to kill this shooter before it gets my wife, and that's the best thing. All that happens Because you guys and that's what we do, that's what we've trained- and conditioned ourselves to do So.
Speaker 3:two or three seconds Yeah and you know what I did is I started, i become aware of the thought and I go. That's not serving me right now. Right, i am aware of my capabilities. I am aware of the fact that if someone wants to murder me at any given time, it wouldn't be that hard to do living an everyday person's life. I'm just walking around, you know yeah. It's like I'm aware that I don't get to control everything. I'm aware of my, of my abilities, i, i am a peacefully violent person.
Speaker 3:I am prepared to do violence if I have to. I'm not the best, do you never? that's not what I'm trying to say, and so once I become aware of that, i can slow it down and be like all right, i got to chill, like this is not a real thing. I'm just playing the what if 20 ninjas game in my head.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And that's what I've been making myself do forever, and, and that's all right, i get through it really fast and figure out what it is And I say, okay, so I have a plan right Playing that now, i guess put it over, and then I have to look at my my body Right.
Speaker 3:And so even just now again, heat is a reaction for me. So I'm getting hot. You know what I mean. And I and maybe you were seeing it in the screen I'm leaning in front of my chair, i'm getting hot, my elbows are doing the flurry thing I'm doing, my knees are kind of tight, my glutes are kind of flexed. You know All these different things. I start to run an inventory of my musculature and go all right, where am I at, what's my posture?
Speaker 3:And that's how I bring myself out of it, you know, and it's, it's, it's normal, you know.
Speaker 2:I like that. I'm not gonna lie, i've never, never thought of that. That's just a, just a. Just exactly the way you described it. I'm I'm gonna try to be Self-aware next time that stuff happens, because it happens a lot, um, but yeah.
Speaker 3:It's not gonna happen tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's gonna happen tomorrow We go to the beach, Yeah.
Speaker 3:I've I've been thinking about it all afternoon. You're gonna the beach tomorrow. Yeah where you at.
Speaker 2:Uh well, i'm in Sumter right now, but we're gonna I'll upon. All the pond is tomorrow.
Speaker 3:Nice. Yeah very cool.
Speaker 1:No beach up here, north Dakota, no beaches up here. But, man, this has been an awesome episode.
Speaker 3:Dude seriously. Thank you guys so much for having me on.
Speaker 1:I thank you for for coming on and And sharing definitely the guild stuff with us. I'm gonna, i'm gonna push Bowden to sign up. If he signs up, i'll sign up for stations.
Speaker 2:Dude, i'll do it, dude. I'm not gonna Like, i'm not gonna lie like this whole time just hearing you talk your your tidbits of advice and your you know your your journeys and stuff. Just it's hard not to like you know, jaw drop because, yeah you, you got some. I loved what you said. The chat We just had for the past almost two hours This is Definitely gonna help me. This is this awesome, i For sure. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know yeah and I I appreciate and I appreciate you being that conduit, um, and having having the courage to speak out and just and just spread that message that you guys have, you and you, you and your, your partner have. That's awesome, was that? mark Bradley said sign up and change your life.
Speaker 3:Oh, irish mark all do you sign up?
Speaker 1:dude? You go into stations. Uh, september 29th through october 1st. Yeah, you will that's another one right there. I hope we got to get him in there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Let's do it.
Speaker 2:So just to wrap things up here just a little bit Um, you guys can get information about the guild fellowship at I'm pop that email back up here at info at guildfellowshipcom. Uh, their websites Uh, we also posted their website up here while we're having chat guildfellowshipcom. Um, yeah, stew, we really appreciate you coming on a spread in your message and just tell us what you guys are about. I absolutely love it. Um, if anyone wants to be on the podcast, let us know. Veteranshipprojectgmailcom run all the social media platforms. Uh, just remember we love you. Uh, you're not alone. Um, if you want to prove it to you, email me, come on here and we'll talk, i promise.
Speaker 1:Kyle, you got anything? I do not. I do not. Sweet, love you all. Just a deep appreciation for everybody watching tonight. We hit a uh, a record high for our viewers at 12, so So we're getting bigger. Uh, we're getting well, not getting bigger, we are getting into a position to spread our message to more people. So that is great, uh, so yeah, thank you guys so much.
Speaker 3:Uh, watch your ass, joe rogan.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're coming for you, Joe rogan.
Speaker 3:That's when viral.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, i love you guys. Uh, have a good night and again, uh, look for us on monday morning or monday evening, where we will be talking a little bit about self accountability And it's importance. Uh, again, thank you guys so much, love you. Good night first, dude brother.
